All I Want For Christmas Is Dimples And Freckles
by everyone'ssister
Summary: Tag for 12.07 (not canon for 12.08) Enjoy some Christmas love, feels, fluff and family drama; A relaxing Christmas at Jody's takes a turn for the worse when Mary wants to spend the holiday with her boys. Awkwardness and jealousy ensue.
1. Part 1

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS DIMPLES AND FRECKLES

Part 1.

Sam is a holiday grouch. It's not purposeful but he just is. The weather is cold and miserable, peace and joy just whisper of everything he never had and probably can never have. He's never outright and yelled "bah humbug!" at Dean but he sure as hell has been pretty close.

Dean is all warmth and easy happiness. Netflix's rewatched and rewatched Christmas movies come to haunt Sam yet again and hot chocolate with peppermint sticks replace the apple cider Dean brings home before Sam can begin to appreciate its spicy autumn flavor.

Classic Christmas tunes rumble out and wash over him in his brother's deep tones as Dean fixes their meals and serves him a decanter of fine whiskey as they sit down to 'Its A Wonderful Life' and Dean knows that he is the only reason Sam is forcing himself under the worst torture this side of hell. Sam gives him discreet fond smiles when they go out, if anything he likes the way Christmas lights reflect in Dean's glazed-over green eyes as his brother sits enraptured by the trillions and trillions of lights in nearly orgasmic pleasure.

And there it is, the one thing that keeps Sam this side of sane during the holiday months. His brother. That shining light always resilient no matter what darkness they face. Sam doesn't know how he goes on illuminating everything around him all the time. Doesn't know how even while the world tries to twist itself into a bright, beautiful, GOOD thing over the holidays Dean still outshines and puts all their efforts to shame.

But he does know Dean is what keeps him going. Even after the mess with Lucifer, even after he paints Dean the picture of their failure all too clearly...Dean still looks to him and tells him with conviction that bleeds into Sam.

 _"...and we will stop him, we will. It's what we do, man."_ And Dean's glance slips to Sam's eyes and he feels that even though they're in this with Cas and Crowley and Rowena and the rest of the freaking world that what really matters? Is he and his brother. And it makes him feel guilty, but god help him, he loves it. He loves that assurance. The trust, the comfortable balance of self-deprecation and self preservation that Sam and Dean allow in each other.

A couple of days before Christmas Eve they grin at each other over a slain pair of vamps, blood sprayed over his brother's face, hands shaking from the adrenaline of the hunt. Dean leaves the radio in the vampire's car playing Frank Sinatra's 'Home For Christmas' and Sam shivers as they walk away from a job well done, from dark things erased from the face of the earth. He feels horrified and somewhat high with the joined terror of their job and the normality of the Christmas music.

They settle in Baby and they both smile as they chase away the wintery night chill with long thrown back gulps from Dean's flask. And for once in all their years of being together Sam doesn't question the presence of alcohol, knows his brother is in control and is thankful for Dean's foresight.

The Christmas music Dean plays is new and a little jazzy-popish but Sam doesn't mind. The music washes over them. Lights reflecting on the impala's sleek, waxed finish as well as Dean's wide, slightly buzzed eyes. And Sam considers he can handle a holiday season like this. Of course things never quite turn out the way a Winchester wants them to.

...

Dean feels a little hazy, drunk on steam and crashing adrenaline as he climbs out of the shower. The simple decapitating spree had been just what he and Sam had needed to boil their blood a little and then settle them down again. Sam needed serious help relaxing, like Dean even thought about taking him to get a massage kind of serious help relaxing.

(Dean knew the perfect place, or knew who has a perfect place in Lebanon and boy, was she cute or what? AND she had Christmas lights...and Dean had a feeling she would be glad to give Sam's happy ending to him. Since he's pretty sure Sam didn't like those kinds of massages, though let's face it, what man didn't? Weird Sam.)

Turns out the vampire hunt saved his money and the blow to Sam's masculinity. Even though Sam didn't have good enough sense and would have probably loved a simple, boring massage with incense burning and some meditative crap playing. Or the third album of Vince Vincte...seriously he's never going to get rid of that thick, uneasy feeling in his stomach that he has somehow terribly failed his little brother.

As it is he very sure he's going to find his little brother in the kitchen inhaling hot cocoa or coffee and lazily beginning to research a way to defeat Lucifer from the bunker's vast knowledge. The only problem is they both know there isn't, but Sam is stubborn and he is losing his grip on the importance of earth and humanity no matter how bad it's gotten.

Dean pulls on sweats, socks, a t-shirt and his robe for added warmth. He revels in the soreness of his muscles as he gingerly walks down the three shallow stairs into the bunker's kitchen. Sam is there as predicted iPad and several reference books spread on their table, dressed in his night clothes and drops of wetness on his shoulders from his drying hair. And Dean wants to use his arm to brush all the books and even the iPad violently to the floor and then replace them with pies and force Sam into an eating contest.

However he only lets his jaw clench momentarily and his left hand clench into a fist that almost loosens immediately. He's a little frustrated, but really Sam's got every right. He opens the fridge to find some Chinese noodles and sweet 'n sour chicken. He fills a plate and warms it in the microwave.

With an ice cold canned coke he lowers himself to sit across from Sam with his supper. Sam acknowledges him by pulling his books out of the way and making room for his brother. Dean grimaces at the cold, oily coffee in his brother's cup and digs in gratefully to his warm plate.

"That smells good." Sam mumbles into his hand where it's propping up his chin with his elbow on the table. His eyes don't even lift from the iPad where he's scrolling down some list of files no doubt.

"Want some?" Dean asks through a full mouth, cracking open the coke.

"Yeah," Sam nods, "That would be great."

Dean rolls his eyes as he fixes Sam a plate. So eager to get home from a freaking vamp kill and research that he forgot he just might need to refuel. Standard Sammy. He nukes Sam an even bigger plate of leftovers knowing Sam needed to eat while he was actually hungry for food, sometimes when he got fixated on something getting him to eat was an impossibility even for Dean Winchester.

He looks over at Sam to find him sipping unconcernedly from his coke, while still looking at his iPad.

"Hey!" He says sharply, and Sam looks at him. "That's mine."

Sam shrugs and gives him a smile that says, 'like you're gonna do anything about.'

Dean sighs and grabs another coke from the fridge for himself and Sam's plate and a fork for his brother. "Freaking baby," he mumbles under his breath. Sam holds out a hand for his plate and Dean stops a foot away.

"Oh no." He says, fixing his gaze on his brother severely. "Set aside the books and the iPad or else none of this for you."

Sam just huffs and pushes everything over with his arm much like Dean had been contemplating earlier.

"Thank you." Dean gives him a sweet smile as he places the overflowing plate before him and the fork in Sam's outstretched hand.

Sam shakes his head with a little chuckle and rubs at the crease in between his eyebrows. "I guess I do get kinda carried away sometimes."

Dean eyes him pointedly, "You guess?"

Sam sighs with the refreshing taste of the coke, "Just what I needed."

"Eat up." Dean mumbles through his food, pointing at the plate with his fork. "Before you get sidetracked."

"I have a little more of an attention span than that, Dean."

Dean lets out a scoffing laugh at that and Sam throws a long sticky noodle at him. Dean looks absolutely affronted when it lands over the bridge of his nose. Sam loses it snorting coke up his nose and coughing with the burning fizziness of the sensation.

"That's what you get," Dean says sulkily, peeling the noodle off his nose and throwing it back in Sam's plate. "Bitch."

"Ew," Sam objects as he picks the noodle out of his plate, "I'm not eating that, jerk."

"Well, neither am I," Dean snorts.

Sam leaves it on the table.

The rest of their supper passes in relative silence and slowly Sam's eyes grow deep and warm...he's thinking about something.

He's leaning his chin against his palm again savoring the fizzy taste of the coke on his tongue on this rare occasion that he's not drinking either beer, coffee or water. He's got a few forkfuls of noodles left and Dean is thankful and surprised at the amount he ate. He twist and untwists his fork in the left over noodles watching them curl and uncurl easily.

"What's on your mind?" Dean asks bluntly, from where he's making coffee, placing two cups out for the ready.

Sam frowns, his fingers coming back up to rub at his forehead in between his eyebrows. "I can't stop thinking about what he said."

"Who?" Dean asks, even though he already knows who Sam is talking about.

Sam's eyes jump up to his in slight annoyance, but the he relaxes again and a melancholy that twists unpleasantly in Dean's heart settles over him. "Lucifer. He said all of this," he waves vaguely around them and Dean gets he's talking about this earth and humanity. "All this is meaningless..." it hangs in the air a moment before Sam musters up the courage to continue.

"Do you ever wonder...wonder what we mean, wonder if it's worth it. Worth it to fight so hard for something that's inevitably gonna end anyways?"

Dean looks at him for a moment, strange, new hurt in his chest.

"No, no I don't." He says, setting a steaming cup of coffee in front of his brother and leaving the room with his own in hand.

He finds suddenly that he just has to get out of that room. A new anger and ache in his chest with Sam's doubts as he stands breathing shallowly in the library. He's surprised with how much it hurts him and weighs him down. And he thinks maybe it's because they are growing immeasurably closer, because Dean feels a little betrayed...

 _Why do you always listen to him?_ He wants to scream at Sam. _Why do you always let him get to you? Why do you always listen to his lies?_

He feels the sting of wetness in his eyes and angrily jerks his head away from where he's looking at the doorway as if Sam will suddenly appear to apologize. He takes a punishing sip of scalding hot coffee and thinks comfortingly to himself that Sam will come around. Will shake himself from this mellow. That he's just a little depressed at being exposed to Lucifer again and his hair rock fav dying.

He slouches down into one of the comfy leather chairs wrapping his hands around the warm coffee mug and bites his lip for a moment in boredom. He likes the quiet and warmth of the bunker wrapping around him and carrying him to mostly pleasant placing in his mind's eye. But he doesn't particularly like being alone.

He wishes Sam would come and sit with him, or they could go watch a movie or something. Maybe giggle over some whiskey and memories of some of their less life threatening stupid ideas. As it is he stares not discontentedly into the black coffee and watches it ripple with the movement of each of his breaths.

He smiles with a sudden thought and sits up, dragging his phone from the pocket in his sweats. He's been meaning to call and check on Jody, now would be the perfect time. With Sam trading him for Lucifer and broody thoughts of yes or no purpose that makes Dean's head hurt, he's happy for the distraction and company even if it's just over the phone.

Mom wasn't playing word games and Cas had stopped texting him a few hours ago. He frowns as the phone rings in his ear thinking of his best friend mucking around with Crowley, it still makes him unexplainably uneasy even though he grins thinking of Cas' naiveness.

A cheery salutation on the other end of the phone chases away Dean's shadowy thoughts.

"Hello? Dean?" He hears her happy tones, even though he detects a bit of worry there questioning why he'd be calling her again so soon.

"Hey Jody," he lets out smoothly. His voice always a little different, a little more of a drawl present when he's saying things he wants to say, to people he wants to say them to.

"Hey Dean," she returns lightly, "You boys good?"

"Oh yeah," he returns with a smile on his lips, stretching out in the chair and propping his feet up on another. "Calling to check on you actually. You good so far, after the possession and stuff?"

"Yeah," she says softer but still sure. Dean can still hear the mourning in her voice. "I guess losing Asa hurts a lot worse than actually being possessed, though it's definitely turned me into a jumpy thing." She chuckles and Dean echoes the sound.

"So how about you boys," she asks, deliberately getting the attention of her, Dean lets her. "How's the Christmas cheer over that way?"

"You know Sammy," Dean smirks, "Tree, lights, Christmas caroling...the whole nine yards."

"That bad?" She questions, with a smirk in her own voice.

"Nah," he says sipping on his coffee, "It's actually pretty good, he's less of a grinch then usual, so there's that at least."

He can almost see her now, standing looking out her front windows, head turned to the side listening to his voice so acutely that...

"Well what's up then, why do you sound down?" She asks.

Dean shrugs even though he knows she can't see it. "We ran back into Lucifer a few weeks ago and Sam's worked himself into a bog of feels and research and I hate it...I can't get him out of here for anything but work for the life of me. And I don't really care to take him hunting when he's feeling this down, you know?"

"The whole Lucifer thing is touchy for him, right?" She asks.

"Yeah, really touchy." Dean sighs, "But I guess we'll just ride it out like we always do." He smiles through a huffy sigh, "He's such a pain in the ass."

Jody only laughs, "Well, I know you wouldn't know what to do without him."

Dean shuts his eyes at the very words, the very abomination of the thought of being without him. Never, never, never. He'd sooner stay in the bunker and research for the rest of their existence then lose Sam.

"Dean?" He hears Jody asking against his ear.

"Sorry, what was that?" He asks.

He hears a smile in her voice, "I said, what are you boys doing for Christmas?"

"Oh." He says shortly, his brain starting up again to think something other than issamsafewhereissammycantgoonwithoutsammypleasewhereishegottakeephimsafehesthesunandthemooncantgoonwithouthim...

"Uhm, nothing probably. Read the Christmas story to Sammy before bed always makes him so fricking mad." He runs off in giggles his body humming with the liquor from earlier and the caffeine.

Jody joins him with a laugh. "How about you boys come here then, if you don't have any plans?"

Dean pauses, "We couldn't..."

"Dean," Jody says patiently, and he thinks maybe this is her mom voice. "You just said you didn't have any plans and you need to get Sam out of there right? Me and the girls could use more company, you know the more the merrier and the less awkward."

Dean laughs, "I don't know Jody, your dinner table doesn't really have a very good reputation of not be awkward."

She laughs at that. "Aw c'mon Dean, at least you know for sure the sex and birth control talk has already been taken care of."

He snorts a laugh at that. "Do I not know."

They both chuckle for a moment remembering the simply preposterous dinner they had last had together with Sam and the girls.

"So what do you say?" Jody asks, "I know you can't say no to a home cooked Christmas dinner."

Aw shit. The weak spot. Not only his weak spot...but Sam's too. And he rejoices because he now he knows just how he's going to convince Sam to come with him to South Dakota.

"Alright Jody," he says smiling, "We'll come, thanks."

"Great!" He hears the excitement in her voice. "Wait till I tell the girls."

"Oh yeah, I'm sure they'll be thrilled." He says sarcastically.

"Give 'em a chance," she says, "They're doing better and they're both really trying."

"Sure thing Jody, you know I really like them."

Jody laughs mischievously. "I know you do, you big softie."

"Alright alright," Dean pumps the breaks right there.

Jody gives a full sounding laugh, "When should we expect you two?"

"Sometime Christmas Eve, sound good?"

"Sounds great, can't wait to see you." He imagines Jody in the kitchen cooking already with his mouth practically watering.

"Yeah, me too, see ya soon...be safe." He returns fondly.

"You too, Winchester," he hears before the phone goes dead.

Now...to tactfully tell Sam with out really telling him that there's been an intervention and he's being forced out of the bunker for Christmas. No arguments, no second chances, no doubt about it.

...tbc

Hope you guys like it! Lemme know what you think!?

Omggg! Congratulations to JJ, Daneel and Jensen at the birth of the twins! I've been alternately screaming and crying for the last couple of hours, lol.


	2. Part 2

Part 2.

Dean goes quiet and makes a surprising, quick retreat leaving Sam's stomach cramping up. He doesn't feel like he's said anything too awful but he knows when Dean's hurt, and he knows when he's the one who's done it. If someone he trusts or cares about hurts him Dean closes in on himself...he's safe if he doesn't include anyone in his little bubble.

Sam knows he should get up and go after Dean before he clams up too much and leaves Sam to take the impala for a drive and look at Christmas lights by himself. He sighs frustrated, and pushes the books and his iPad away from him leaning both elbows on the table top and covering his face with his hands for a few seconds and just breathe.

He hates it too, you know? Wishes Lucifer and all his stupid words went in one ear and out the other. But a hundred years in hell with the devil will teach you to take heed to his words and hold them close to your chest just so you're prepared for anything.

The angel and the poison that drips from his words still twists Sam in all sorts of ways he doesn't want to go. Still clenches his heart in fear, wraps his mind fuzzy and useless with panic. Surrounds him with whispers of _weak, guilty...dirty, defiled. Freak._

He tries he really does. And he's getting better, stronger. And he sees the fire of pride burn in Dean's eyes every time he stands up to him and that in and of itself is addicting, and he loves to see the shock and disbelief in Lucifer's eyes as well.

But there's always a relapse. And god, he hates it. Hates it so bad. Stands in front of the mirror in his bedroom and watches the trembling in his hands, the disgust in his own eyes...the sharp pain in his stomach of fear and uncertainty. He looks at the fox like slanted eyes on his face, the long hair framing sharp cheekbones...he remembers what Lucifer did with them. Both when he possessed him and when they dwelt together in hell.

He remembers and that taint, that dark defiled feeling comes back to hang onto him for a few days at least and then he's left open and vulnerable to Lucifer's malignant words. And he sinks down and takes refuge in his Latin words and books and looks for some official way to permanently rid the world and himself and his ever so patient brother of the devil.

Dean is kind and gentle and takes care of him. Makes sure he doesn't get dehydrated or starves to death, pulls him up and out for a hunt every week for a few days, or tries at least. Sam is not easy he knows that, he's not easy at all. But Dean just sits across from him and pretends to be reading a book he picked up from Sam's pile.

Sam hates it so much because he knows what Dean is feeling, feeling for him. Confusion, restlessness...anger that Lucifer ever even had call to know Sam. Fondness for Sam's frustrating coping methods...patience softening the edges of all these and wrapping Sam in safe, gentle love that he knows is saying, take all the time you need, I'll be here.

But tonight his brother takes his coffee and slips away in his socked feet his shoulders a terrible mix of slumped and tensed. And Sam knows he's hurt Dean. He turned on Dean that night after Vince Vincte died like it was his fault even though he knows Dean knew not to take it like that. He scorned Dean's optimistic view of the situation because he was down and felt defeated and little and dirty.

Dean had leveled those green eyes on him and calmly shared his conviction that they would fix this. And Sam had doubted and had turned away from him. And now he questions the very essence of who they are...the importance of life, humanity and this earth, just because the devil has been abandoned once again by his father and has lost his fire for vengeance. Damn, he's such a dick.

Dean is there for him every day, for years and years. Accepts him despite all of Sam's failings that Dean is all too aware of. Dean is always there, bears with him and his relapses, through good and bad...always believed in him, never let go.

And then Sam went and took ten...eleven or so words from the devil and let it tear down everything he and Dean had built together...a love and faith in life and humanity and for this world. He questioned it. And in questioning and doubting that belief he doubted Dean.

His brother, his dearest friend, the best bravest man he's ever known. He doubted him. Questioned his life's purpose, doubted the bond and belief that made them hang on to each other. The belief that this life and each other was worth it all.

Sam lets his forehead hit the table and his hands fist. Stupid, stupid, stupid, he tells himself. He rises to his feet to go find Dean if he hasn't hightailed it yet, and to apologize and watch whatever crappy Christmas movie Dean would like, rub his feet or his back whatever he wanted really, anything...

When he gains his feet, eyes coming open he finds Dean already standing at the bottom of the stairs. A tired smile on his lips, coffee cup still in hand. Suddenly, as Sam is met by those soul-piercing, understanding green eyes that are an ever present in his life he's reminded of how much he loves Dean. How much he needs him, how much Dean does for him...what would he do without him?

He wants to run and wrap Dean up in his arms and hide his face in his shoulder and just say sorry for being such a dick and for being a self absorbed bastard, and please don't lose faith me, I'm sorry for doubting you...I'm sorry for doubting us.

Dean gives him a strange look and then a world-weary grin.

"Dean I..." he starts. But Dean interrupts him quickly, purposefully...it hits Sam like a punch in the gut. He can all but see the hurt rankling just under his brother's surface as he tries hard to hide it.

"Hey Sammy, so I just got off the phone with Jody and..."

Sam raises his eyebrows in surprise, "Really? How is she?"

Dean frowns at Sam's interruption, "She's good, anyways we're gonna head up there in a day or so." He stops, biting the side of his bottom lip, waiting for Sam to argue and start to splutter at being moved from his broodin-research center.

Instead Sam's eyebrows come together in a worried face, "Why? Is everything okay, is it something about the possession?"

Dean smiles mischievously, though quickly hiding it with worried hooded look, taking this opportunity to call on Sam's soft heart. "Yeah...I think she's good, but I don't know Sam. She sounds a little down and lonely."

"Maybe Alex and Claire will cheer her up." Sam says thoughtfully.

"Yeah maybe," Dean answers, "But she wants us to come down and hang out for a bit, says her and the girls could use some company."

Dean can see the idea of leaving the bunker making Sam's face pucker up like he just tasted the sourest of lemons. God, his brother has so many issues.

"Why?" Sammy asks petulantly. Okay. Dean thinks. Time to pull out the big ammo.

"To help eat her Christmas dinner of course?!" He looks at Sam like, duh, Sammy shoulda figured that out yourself.

Sam eyebrows disappear into his hair. "Jody wants us to go to her house for Christmas? No way Dean, we don't do Christmas, remember?"

"You don't do Christmas." Dean mumbles under his breath, a hand on the back of his neck, a nervous tick Sam knows all to well when his brother is trying to hide something. To hide some feeling or hurt...damnit! Wasn't Sam just on his way to apologize to Dean and make it up to him?

Dean's eyes are still clean and bright but he's getting more withdrawn and a great claw of a hand constricts Sam's heart tightly. His brother goes up one step and hesitantly looks into the hall as if checking that his escape route is still there and open.

Sam feels sick.

"I guess I could just go by myself." Dean says without any heat, just sadness. "If you don't wanna go...with me."

"No..." he says, taking a step towards Dean who is turning his back and raising a hand to stop him. "It's cool, I'll go." He smiles and shrugs and is rewarded with Dean's 500 watt smile topped with sparkling green eyes. There's something sharper in Dean's smile than just eased over hurt feelings and Sam wonders momentarily if he's been played.

But then Dean is whispering, "Thanks Sammy." And Sam remembers what had happened here in the kitchen just a few minutes ago.

"Dean listen, about earlier..." Dean immediately tenses and readies himself to leave the room.

"Sammy," he starts, pauses and swallows, his entire body tensing so tight Sam's actually concerned for his muscles, "It's okay, I know it's hard for you."

The tired smile he gives Sam is just another blow to Sam's guilty conscious.

"No," Sam insists, "It's not okay, I didn't mean to..."

"Sam." Dean stops him, his voice and face straighter and stricter than Sam's heard it since the Mark resided on his arm. "I don't want to talk about it."

Sam bites the side of his mouth and watches Dean send him another glance over his shoulder as he leaves the kitchen. "We'll leave the day after tomorrow." He calls back.

Sam is left standing a little shocked in the middle of the kitchen.

"I screwed up." He says out loud in Dean's favorite place in their home.

Dean hadn't shut him out since their darker times in the days when Dean was teetering on the edge of killer and insane. And Sam wants to be angry at Dean for using it now. That authoritative voice and the words that make him feel like a twenty-four year old again, about to lose his brother to hellhounds...and Dean is slowly floating farther and farther away.

There's panic rising in Sam's throat. I don't wanna talk about it. The words that translate, _you hurt me...too hurt to make this right...just leave me alone._

And like Sam's said before Dean runs when someone he loves hurts him. Space is the only defense he knows against Sam because they are so close, and Sam hadn't been careful of that and had hurt Dean by speaking doubts and words that shouldn't have ever been voiced.

Now he really wants to tear Lucifer apart piece by piece...somehow the son of a bitch is still getting between he and his brother, still hurting them after all these years. And Sam blames himself, because he always lets him in. Dean trusts him, and he always lets Lucifer in.

He runs hands through his hair stressfully and kicks the stool he'd been sitting on in frustration and sorrow. He lets himself take a calming breath. They'll have the whole drive to South Dakota for Sam to make it up to him and apologize and get his big brother back to his regular angsty and dorky, adorable self.

 _That sounds like a great plan Sam,_ he tells himself sarcastically, _absolutely not holes in it._ Like the big gaping one that Dean apparently did not what to make up. Sam had him hiding in his room licking his wounds in a corner. And Sam can't even explain how much that hurts, how guilty and lowdown dirty that makes him feel.

And it's Christmas. He groans and leans his head ack against the wall. _Nice going Sam,_ he taunts himself.

He's got to fix this.

...

Mary may have been _slightly_ exaggerating when she told her sons she had 'been all over.'

More truthfully she had been in Lawrence. She knew it was unhealthy. Knew she wasn't solving anything by wallowing in the past in a place that had long forgotten her and her pitiful attempt at making a happy family.

The house which had been the center of her dreams and in her days been so gorgeous and full of light and joy was now a smudge on the community. It looked as if no one had lived there in years. The windows were dark and boarded up. A tattered welcome mat had been left there mocking her at the front door.

The house was also a dark smudge on her and her son's hearts. Dean had told her of the time they'd seen her ghost there and Sam had later enclosed that this had been the one and only time they'd been back. Could see it written all over his face that the entire time he'd been there with his brother he'd been afraid Dean would break into a thousand pieces.

And being there she knew Dean was right. The very house was a ghost haunting the family. But still she couldn't leave town. Couldn't leave the place where she'd last been happy...and with John Winchester.

She was fast becoming a ghost herself...no one knew her but she haunted all the old hangouts. The diner where she and John used to get ice cream and coffee, the record store where they used to argue over music...where she'd bought Lynard Skynard to play for her baby boys, Dean and Sam.

She smiles remembering the way music always calmed her boys. Dean and Sam had always been close but when they played on the floor with music playing in the quiet, still afternoon hours it seemed to curl around them and seep into them, pick them apart...and then join the pieces back together in all the wrong places. Leaving pieces of Sam in Dean and Dean in Sam.

After a long play day Sam would fall asleep with his head in Dean's lap just as the Lynard Skynard album reached its end and finished off with the soothing tunes of 'Tuesday's Gone.' The song that always put Sam out like a light. Then Dean would sit over him, his small hand soothing through Sam's curls until he himself fell asleep over him and Mary could no longer tell where one of them stopped and the other started.

She sees them then and she sees them now and no, she doesn't feel like they're strangers. They might be bigger and they might be badder but they are her same little boys living and breathing each other, not giving each other any space. When Sam speaks she hears hints and slivers of Dean and when Dean speaks she hears echoes of her youngest boy.

The connection between them is frankly, a little intimidating, especially when she and John or any of her hunting friends had never even been half that close. She's heard stories but she doesn't even want to know what kind of life would forge a bond that strong and that codependent.

So she stays haunting Lawrence and thinking of everything that should have been. Every night she mourns the lose of what she lost and what her boys lost. Ever night she weeps for the men they might have been, for the happy lives they might have led.

So she misses the blaring truth that shines out to her in every one of their smiles, of their laughs, the looks that pass between them...they are happy, the lives they lead are worthy of being lived...they are content to live like this until they give their lives fighting the good fight.

So she's nursing a hot mug of coffee in the tiny diner all by herself when she's shocked to watch the employees hanging lights and putting up a scrawny but festive Christmas tree. Her breath catches in her throat as she's taken back to the couple of happy, warm, safe Christmases her, John and Dean had together.

She feels bitter tears fill her eyes as she realizes even as a baby she never got the chance to give Sam a proper Christmas. She was never able to do anything for him, except bring him into this world where nothing but pain and misery and death follows him.

In moments she's on her feet, car keys in hand, heart and mind already at the bunker with her boys, especially with Sam whose never had a proper Christmas. And even if nothing else came out of this misshapen adventure of coming back from the dead except giving her boys a Christmas then it would be worth it.

She pushes down thoughts of all the Christmases they spent alone and forgotten in a motel room somewhere, all the Christmases they spent saving other people instead of being happy and safe. She thinks just maybe she can make it up to them a little bit, Sam especially. That stupid deal she'd made had ruined his life. He's chances of happiness and normality forever.

That and life had been the only things she'd given him. Tears blur her eyes as she sits behind the steering wheel of her car feeling her failings acutely. She thinks maybe she can save the day on this one though. Bring them a little Christmas joy, let them catch a glimpse of something they never had before...family, love, joy and peace in the Holliday season. Because she's certain her boys are as miserable as she is this holiday, because none of them are happy. There are no happy hunters.

She forgets to take into account one other thing she gave Sam. The best gift he could have ever received, the best thing she could have ever done for him. The thing that has left him standing tall and strong after everything he's been through. The one single thing that reversed the curse she set upon him. That believes in him regardless of all the pain, misery and death that follows him around.

Dean.

...tbc

Thx for reading ! ;)

More coming soon.


	3. Part 3

Part 3.

The next two days are quiet around the bunker. Dean sticks to himself, emerging a handful of times to make sure Sam was still on his feet and not starved to death. Sam hears faint echoes of whatever Dean is watching whenever he ventures to his room, and he hears the washer and dryer rumble to life late one night accompanied with hummed Christmas carols and good-natured curses.

Seems Dean isn't dwelling on their current discordance. He hopes this means his brother will be more open and willing to accept his extremely heartfelt apology, so that the ride to Jody's is less depressing and stressing and so that he doesn't ruin Dean's Christmas anymore than he already has.

It's Christmas Eve morning when he stumbles into the kitchen nearly drunk on research and finds Dean STILL humming Christmas music and dishing up two plates of a huge all-American breakfast. He sends him a bright smile as Sam nearly collapses onto one of the stools at the table and tries to rub the sleep out of his eyes.

"Good morning Sammy," Dean says happily though not loud enough to be obnoxious this early in the morning.

Sam grunts, but rouses as Dean places a steaming cup of coffee under his nose and gives him a few pats on the back.

"Drink up Sammy, big day today."

Sam groans, remembering.

Dean chuckles, "That's right loads of fun in South Dakota, probably snow too, yay, more snow." Kansas gave them more than enough of their fill of snow. Dean looks slightly chagrined at that thought especially since Jody didn't have a garage but he brushes off the unhappiness as he places Sam's plate before him with fork and knife.

Sam sits up straight and begins to cut up his pancakes. And Dean just grins as the mood lightens. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach, even Sam's stuck up, princess, health-freak stomach.

"Thanks," Sam mumbles through a full mouth as Dean sets a cup in front of him and pours orange juice into it.

"Your welcome lil' brother." Sam doesn't even acknowledge the slur to his maturity and just keeps on eating. God, he's missed Dean and his cooking the last two days, even meals just warmed up in the microwave for him.

Dean sits down across from him and sighs contentedly as he smells in the steam from his breakfast and coffee and then gulps down half his glass of orange juice.

Sam cocks an eyebrow, "Wow dude, how long you been working on all this?"

Dean smiles smugly as he bites into a strip of bacon, "Since seven," he points the piece of bacon at Sam, "And yes it is eight-thirty AND that is an hour and a half of cooking...thought your lazy ass would never get up."

"Well, I was exhausted," Sam says, shoveling fried egg into his mouth.

"That's not my fault." Dean says, leveling a many layered gaze at Sam. And Sam gulps because usually he can interpret Dean's looks. However this one goes over his head, he's not sure if it's an angry, sad, or disappointed look but he doesn't like it, not one bit. The playful tones do nothing to hide the hurt within the words.

Sam swallows and looks down to his plate for a moment. When he looks at his brother again Dean is smiles and sunshine again, scrambled eggs falling out of his mouth as he talks and the goofy grin lighting up his eyes.

"Can't wait for Jody's cooking!" Dean says, even as he sops up syrup with a forkful of pancake.

"We're eating right now." Sam says with a laugh and rolls his eyes.

"Gotta broaden your horizons Sammy." Dean mumbles through his mouthful of obscene chocolate chip pancakes and then proceeds to make love to the rest of his plate.

"So what time do you wanna leave?" Sam asks, as he puts his plate in the sink and throws back another cup of coffee. Dean shakes his head disapprovingly.

"Bout an hour," Dean says licking his fingers clean of syrup and getting up and placing his plate on top of Sam's and starts running some dish water. Sam glances through the news as Dean somehow makes the kitchen spick and span again where it had been absolutely wrecked a few moments ago. He blinks in surprise.

Dean sends him a overly hyper grin, and Sam's thinking chocolate chip pancakes with syrup might not have been such a good idea right before he was going to be stuck in the car for a couple of hours with his big brother.

He hears Dean banging around hurriedly in his room throwing his packing together last minute. Typical. Dean's hyper and excited which proves Sam's fear well placed...Dean is anxious to get out of the bunker, in the highway free, at Jody's where Sam won't attack won't even try to talk to him.

Well, screw that. Sam thinks griping the handle to his duffle so tightly it hurts. Wild horses and Sam are the things that can make Dean talk and the Winchester brothers are about to be stuck in a car together for an extended amount of time.

Sam sets his bags down on the table and fills their travel cups with hot coffee. With the caffeine he's giving his brother he might as well be signing his own death certificate. Managing to handle both his bags and the coffee he makes his way down to Dean's room. He stops in the doorway just as Dean is zipping up his duffle and and pulling on his coat while taking a look in the mirror.

He smirks, "Gonna be ready sometime today Deana?"

Dean doesn't miss a beat, "Remember to pack your tampons Samantha?"

He grabs his bag and takes the cup of coffee off Sam with smug grin on his face. "Car's pulled up front, you ready?"

Sam nods and Dean motions for him to go ahead since they both can't fit in the hallway with their bags. Sam feels a little bit of the weight that had settled on his chest over the past forty-eight hours lift and let him breathe a little easier. They come out of the halls and into the map room, up the stairs and out into the freezing air.

Dean smiles welcomingly to the cold crispness as his breath mists in front of him, and Sam takes the keys from him as Dean turns to lean down and lock the bunker behind them. He throws his bags in the back seat and climbs in. Even if they are leaving the bunker behind he sighs with relief and happiness to be in Baby again.

This car will always have a hold over him, he'll always be caught in the spell of he and Dean and this car and freedom. He's already settled and waiting when Dean throws his bag in the back seat and the car sinks a little as he sits down. But Sam knows Dean loves that about her.

The rumble of the impala beneath them is liberating and they both breathe easier when Dean turns the radio on and the familiar rough tunes leak from her speakers. They both relax even more when good, hard American blacktop is beneath them and they're back to pretending like they can out drive all their problems.

Dean is relaxed beside him, slouched down in the leather seat one hand resting on his thigh, the other lazily on the wheel. Occasionally he hums along to a song and then falls silent, he goes from looking around to watching the road disappear underneath them carelessly.

In other words Dean is in a relatively good mood. He's finally out and about and Sam knows sometimes he's got to feel like weight keeping Dean down, like a ball and chain that must be dragged along at all times.

He doesn't want to be that way. He knows Dean was feeling the weight Sam had on his soul just strongly through their connection. Knew Dean couldn't take much more of this, knew he was gonna break under the pressure of Sam and Lucifer's hopeless words. Hope was what Dean thrived on. You didn't take hope from Dean Winchester. He was hope itself. When he was there...there was hope. Hope for anyone. Even for Sam.

And Sam had crushed that. Sam feels sick with the way Dean had curled up on himself, hiding away. Once again he's filled with a vengeance to make this right. He clears his throat.

"You know, you were right?" He says, looking over to Dean with a shaky grin on his lips.

"Hmm?" Dean hums distractedly and Sam frowns. "Right about what?" He says shifting in his seat, broken from his thoughts by Sam.

"Right about what Lucifer said. Just because he's lost hope doesn't mean that we should. We've always had hope, and we always fix it, we always have and I was wrong to doubt that...to doubt us. I think, I believe we can fix this, just like we always do."

Dean nods thoughtfully.

"Do you really though?" He asks, looking over to Sam, with a tired look on his face.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Sam asks, turning his body to face his brother, his eyebrows coming together, feeling himself getting self-defensive.

"Sammy," Dean says softly, if you're gonna tell me you believe me and you believe in us and you believe we're going to fix this and save the world I'm gonna have to be convinced you really believe it...before I believe you."

"I'm sorry Dean," Sam splutters, "I said something I shouldn't have, what else do you want me to do?"

"Just because you shouldn't have said it doesn't make it any less true, Sam." Dean says calmly. And Sam feels frustration building in him. "It's alright to have doubts and fears Sam, but I don't want you to lie about them just because you regret hurting me because it's Christmas."

There's a few moments of silence.

"This isn't about me or Christmas," Dean goes on voice hushed but no less passionate. "This is about you Sammy. Something is wrong that you ever even think those questions..."

Sam opens his mouth to object but Dean just goes on.

"The one thing we've always stood for and believed in...humanity. It's the whole reason we've fought every fight, that we've lost every loved one...that we've stopped the apocalypse how many times now?" Dean wipes a hand over his mouth and looks over Baby's hood at the oncoming highway and beyond.

"Humanity and this good, green earth is all we have left to keep fighting for, to stand for. And you let Lucifer make you doubt that?" The hurt and betrayal in Dean's voice is causing Sam stomach to knot up and a lump to form in his throat.

"But I still believe, I take that niggling doubt and fear and hopelessness and kill it every single morning and night and I say, 'this world, innocent people...my little brother is enough, is worth it.' So don't you dare look me in the face and tell me you believe in that. That you believe in us until you really do Sam. Until you really mean it."

He never looks at Sam, never lets his eyes stray from the road. His muscles are taunt, his jaw working with the emotions rushing through him right now.

"Okay." Sam says gently. And he agrees. Knows it was mere blasphemy to his and his brother's relationship to say those words and not mean them. To say them and just say them to ease over Dean's hurt. That wasn't right. That wouldn't fix anything.

Dean was right. The problem wasn't Dean or Christmas is was inside him. The weakness and the fear and hopelessness that he let Lucifer take advantage of. That was the problem, the problem he needed to fix. If not for him, if not for the world and humanity...then for his brother who never gave up.

...

Claire falls to the bed beside Alex disrupting her books, and sending a pencil running in a hurry down the bed and to the floor.

"Hey! Watch out." She grumbles, not even taking the energy to raise her eyes to the blond's face.

"Take a break Einstein," Claire says with an annoyed look and huffed breath. "It Christmas for god's sake!"

"Woo hoo, Christmas..." Alex says flatly, eyes still on her book.

"Cheers, I know." Claire says tiredly. "Holidays suck here, everybody needs to get drunk."

"Or High." Alex offers. The first truly intelligent thing she's offered to this conversation in Claire's opinion.

"Now we're cooking with fire!" Claire exclaims, rolling over and flopping onto her back to stare at the ceiling despondently. "Not even in our wildest dreams."

Alex shuts her books and raises herself on her elbows to look down at her kinda sorta adopted older sister, "What do you wanna do then?" She asks.

Claire makes no suggestion or movements. "You hear about Dumb and Dumber?" Claire asks with a sardonic lift of her eyebrow.

"You mean the Winchesters, I suppose?" Alex returns with a laugh. "Yeah, Jody told me."

Claire throws an arm over her face. "Our holiday's just keep getting better and better," she mumbles into it.

"Wanna watch a Christmas movie?" Alex asks, after thinking of their sad looking Christmas and Claire's boredom for a sensitive amount of time.

Claire grunts and Alex takes that as a yes. She turns on the tv and switches the hallmark channel on. Sure enough some sappy Christmas movie was on. Claire drags herself up the bed so they're leaning against the pillows together.

They manage to get through about fifteen minutes of it before there's kissing and Christmas carols.

"Oh god," Alex moans, "Happiness."

"I can't watch anymore," Claire says with false agony, "It might be contagious."

"At this point, I'd say we were both immune to that particular illness," Alex says and they both fall off into tangents of wild giggles after that.

"Wanna watch something else?" Alex asks, still a bit breathless.

"Oh yeah," Claire agrees, "Please. Something lame af so we can laugh at it."

Alex laughs again and begins to sort through a container of old DVDs and VHSs she'd found in Jody's laundry room. Claire lays on her stomach, chin in her hand watching Alex.

"We should make the respectable FBI watch a Christmas chick flick..." her blue eyes sparkle with mischief and Alex laughs quietly nodding vigorously at Claire's idea.

"This is gonna be good, can't wait to see their horrified faces." she says taking a running leap for the bed after she starts an old horror film.

"What are you talking about?" Claire asks, "I bet we can reduce the younger to tears in no time."

"Good point," Alex says, pointing at her, "What about tough guy?"

Claire's smile widens and grows more genuine at the thought of the elder Winchester... "Every one knows the tough guy act is just an act."

"Those boys have no idea what they're getting themselves into." Alex laughs as they wrap up in blankets and cuddle up for their movie.

"Seriously." Claire agrees with a naughty smile.

Little they knew just how right they were.

...tbc

SUGGESTIONS AND REVIEWS!? ;))

Really loving this!

Will do a tag for 12.08 after this story is complete. We have quite a long hiatus here :(:(:(:(:(

I loved the mid season finale but am so freaked out! omgoodnesss don't kno how I'm gonna wait. Its so nerve wracking but its so angsty I'm actually glad! I love all the feels!


	4. Part 4

Part 4.

South Dakota greets Sam and Dean with colder winds and snow covered ground. Dean grumbles under his breath at the nasty weather and the snow gathering on top of Baby's wind shield wipers as he turns the heat up a couple more notches. Sam stares dolefully out his window at the nearly blinding snow reflecting the sunlight, what little Christmas spirit he'd harbored inside now fully gone.

Dean has since changed the radio station to an old Christmas one and Sam swears if he hears Bing Crosby "White Christmas" one more time he's going to crazy and destroy the speakers in Dean's precious car. Dean has been quiet true to his recent form. He's giving Sam space and time to think, to decide what he wants to believe...to quell his doubt and fear, giving him time to get Lucifer and his words out of his system.

He's not used to Dean standing up to him but he knows his brother is right. This wasn't the sort of thing you lied about to soothe over hurt feelings, it was too big and too important for that. He just want to get to Jody's grab a beer and forget about all this for a little while. Hopefully some help understanding and maybe a little faith would come to him as a Christmas miracle.

Sam thinks everyone in Sioux Falls may have a little Christmas-obsession problem; he doesn't even know where to put his eyes for all the decorations. Like Santa threw up all over Jody's district. One house even has a giant Frosty the snowman on top of their roof just like in 'Christmas With The Kranks' yep, definitely a problem.

Dean is look around fascinated like if he had the chance he'd decorate the bunker like this and that thought also makes Sam's head hurt. Never has Sam been so thankful for Dean's ridiculous macho ego.

They pull up in front of Jody's house and there's lights strung along the eaves of her roof, wrapped around her lamppost...he can see her tree lit up through the living room window. And god, Sam really does not want to be here. But anything was better than stuck inside the impala with Dean and everything in between them.

...

After they're 'talk' Dean can feel Sam's tension on the other side of the car but chooses to ignore that big brother instinct that wants to smooth that feeling out, knows it's good for Sam. That his little brother really needs to work this out for himself. Instead he lets himself enter his blissfully calm headspace that he only reaches in the impala.

He knows he's safe here, he and baby can outrun just about anything. He lets his walls fall, lets his emotions and thoughts play across his face in a rather messed up beautiful array of happiness and bitterness even though he doesn't know he's doing it. He never lets everything flow through him freely and clearly to think and feel except when he's here safe in the car.

Dean has always, always liked Jody and almost always loved her. She was well, Jody. Badass but somehow all motherly at the same time. She made Dean feel comfortable and himself, she could battle his snarky wit any day with something intelligent of her own but still her big dark brown eyes softened and glowed when she smiled.

She was somewhere between dearest family friend and mother figure. She'd been there after Bobby. She'd been the only other person in the world that felt his lose half as heavily as he and Sam had. He always felt himself relax and soften around her. He felt safe with her. And he wanted her to be safe, wanted her to be happy...just another case of Dean Winchester unconditional love.

Their relationship wasn't a big deal, wasn't talked about, was studied or put under a microscope. But in the end they both knew where things lay between them. Open, honest...they were there no matter what. And that's the kind of relationship Dean had with Bobby. He'd never think to compare them, but still he loves Jody like his own mother. Just like he loved Bobby like his father.

They were his surrogate parents in a weird best friend kind of way.

Point being, Dean felt safe at Jody's. At Jody's he could just be a man joining her for Christmas dinner, at Jody's he could just be a friend helping her with the dishes, at Jody's he was under some sort of fierce love he didn't understand but he sure as hell knows it's different from his mom and from Sam.

Truth be told he's realizing coming to Jody's might have been a defensive move against his family members. Alex spares him a few kind smiles her quiet, smooth personality calming his nerves when he's around her, Claire just wants someone to talk to and to understand her, a judge free friend...Jody loves to have him there, he fills a void that came to her when she lost her own son.

It's a house where he feels appreciated and safe. And hopefully this part of his family will be a little more keen to celebrate Christmas. He gets it, he really does...understands why Sam and Mary wouldn't want to celebrate Christmas. But he's realized one thing, something very important. Life is too short to hang on to the past. He might not see another Christmas and he's going to live this life to the fullest.

They pull up in front of Jody's but not before he's seen enough Christmas decorations to last him fifty years at least. He laughs. (Sam is looking a little yellow) He turns off the impala and gets out, leaving Sam to his own devices, he looks a little panicky like he's just realized he's at Jody's for CHRISTMAS!

He opens the back door and grabs his bag, pulling his coat closer around him. He turns to find Jody standing on her front stoop, arms hugged around herself, breath fogging in the air. She sends him a bright smile waving at Sam who is just now bringing himself to get out the car.

"Hey Jody." He calls smiling.

"Hey Dean," she answers, "Hurry up and come in before my ass freezes off."

"I'm coming," he laughs, stepping up onto the stoop and wrapping her in an enthusiastic hug. She returns it whole heartedly and Dean doesn't think twice about the tender kiss he leaves on her cheek.

He toes off his snowy boots just inside the door.

"Hey papa bear," he hears a familiar voice say with a lilt of a snarky smile in it. "Where's baby bear?"

"I heard that!" Sam objects for outside, where he's hugging Jody before stepping inside.

"Hey blondie," Dean shoots back smoothly, dropping his bag to the floor and making a beeline for the couch and throwing himself into the seat beside Claire's. She scrunches up her nose and immediately starts shoving him away with both hands.

"Get away from me! You're freezing..." she huffs, his bulk not giving a bit despite all her efforts.

"What? No hug?" He asks innocently, attacking her just as vehemently and sticking icy cold fingers on the back of her warm neck under the blonde curls.

"Ahhh Jody!" She yelps, "He's assaulting me..."she breaks off in a laughing grunt trying to wrestle Dean away from anymore warm skin to invade with the coldness from outside.

Jody shakes her head at them with a fond smile on her lips at the door and Sam rolls his eyes at his brother's antics while taking off his boots and ridding himself of his jacket.

"Hey Alex," he says to the black headed girl standing in the kitchen doorway.

"Hey Sam," she returns watching Dean and Claire with a bemused expression.

Dean finally releases Claire out of breath and with a final laugh before leaning back against the couch. "It's nice and warm in here Jody."

"Screw you Winchester," Claire shoots out with a scowl as she tries to rub the chill off the back of her neck before Jody can answer. "The game is on."

Dean just laughs carelessly, "Oh bring it on, little blond girl."

"Oh nice one, bow legged old man." She mocks.

"Okay," Jody laughs, "Before this escalates any more, let's get you guys settled at least."

Alex stands straight, "You guys can share my room and I'll share with Claire, that way no one has to sleep on that couch," she sends it an uncharitable look, "The thing is a shapeshifter I swear."

Everyone laughs at that, "Thanks Alex," Sam says, "That sounds great, one of us will take the floor, it's perfect."

"Dean prefers the floor anyways, I feel sure." Claire comments, batting her lashes at him and Dean rolls his eyes.

"How about you give up your bed for the elderly, smartass?"

"Not in a million years," she shoots back with a smug smile.

Dean gets up from the couch and circles the Christmas tree as Sam and Jody veer off into more adult subjects like weather and higher rates of break ins around Christmas...all of which Dean does not give a crap.

"Woah, ya'll's tree is lit." He says, bright green reflecting the lights. The tree stands higher than him. It's a cottage theme, burlap bows and red plaid streamers. Gold and red and green ornaments with candy canes.

"Yeah," Claire agrees and she and Alex join him, she crosses her arms with a smile on her face. "Alex did it all herself."

"Really?" Dean asks surprised, looking down at the girl even smaller than Claire. "Look at you," he teases, "So civilized and shit."

She laughs and looks down, a little shy of her fantastic job. "Well, I did my best."

"Hey!" Jody says loudly, interrupting Sam, "No swearing!"

Claire and Alex both turn and look at Dean who makes an 'oops' face, they break out in giggles.

...

Jody just frowns. Or tries to, she's smiling before she even knows it. She thought the girls would be good for Dean, but turns out he might be even better for them. They're all three looking up a bit.

When Dean had climbed out of the impala she hadn't liked his looks one bit. Face white and drawn with tension, Sam looking equally unhappy. Dean had shaken off whatever unpleasantness was holding onto him though as soon as he'd seen her and the girls.

From what she understood there was more than little trouble in paradise. Whatever had happened had really gotten Dean down. It had done them both a world of good when they hugged, she felt Dean melt into her for a second and felt his relief and gratefulness for her with the kiss brushed onto her cheek bone right under her eye.

She watched the way Sam look sad and stressed with the way Dean perked up...guilt. Not the best look on the Winchester brothers but definitely the most popular. Oh yeah the boys had oceans of issues it seemed. But there was time for that later.

Sam was Dean's problem and responsibility she had come to realize that early on. No one could change Sam's mind except Dean, he didn't listen to anyone else, and no one else could calm him or soothe over his guilty conscious. But Dean, Dean was different.

Everything Dean felt was because of Sam. And most of the time he needed a hand getting out of whatever muck he'd worked himself into because Sam was down and discouraged. Dean thrived on people loving him and needing him and the happiness of others around him.

She was all for letting Dean make her and the girls happy over the next two days if that was what he needed. And as she watches him and Alex and Claire bend over with laughter and Claire kick him in the shin as he makes another well placed jab against her and Alex laughing genuinely at their jokes she knows inviting the boys here was the best decision she's made in a long time.

Her girls need their spirits lifted and a big brother figure to lighten the feeling of responsibility off their shoulders for a few days was just the thing. Maybe they'd let Dean in for the next few days, let him love them because that's really what Dean wants. Is to be allowed to be loyal and loving and selfless. She's going to guess that's where some of the boys problems are coming from.

Sam feels guilty so he doesn't want Dean's nurturing or love, or barely perceptible forgiveness because that's just how good Dean is. He forgives even before you realize you've wronged him. Whatever problems there are between them are a lot bigger than she first imagined. But she knows the only way to fix them is to let them figure it out themselves.

She knows Dean is probably giving Sam time, so she's going to give Dean some time too. Some time to be appreciated and love and let him open up to her. Winchester drama is just what they need on Christmas...not.

Little did she know things are about to get a lot worse.

...

Christmas used to be Dean's favorite time of the year, Mary remembers as she stands in line at a food mart with two pies in hand. It always made her perfect little boy even happier, those green eyes sparkling unbelievably bright. She sighs thinking of the strong, resilient man he is today. Of the mixed emotions she sees in those same green eyes every time he looks at her.

Anger. Confusion. Love. Bitterness. Occasionally something like disdain. And yes, even Mary hates herself. But apparently not enough. Not enough to give up her wallowing in self pity to be a part of her son's lives.

Why was she going to spend Christmas with them again? To ease her own guilty conscious. She huffs a breath. She's nothing like them. She'll never be anything like them. In the dictionary beside the word 'selfless' there must be a picture of her sons. If they're not giving up something for the rest of the world then they're giving up something for her. And if they're not giving up something for her then their giving up something for each other.

And here she was just about to pop in on them because she's suddenly ready to be with them. Just counting on the fact that once again they will do the selfless thing and deal with her and her issues again. She seriously doubts they have holiday plans, but still that doesn't mean they want her back at the bunker...the home they offered her that she turned her back on.

And what's worse...she might know it's wrong but she doesn't regret it, she'd do it the same again and how messed up is that? How bad of a mom does that make her? No wonder Dean seems to hate her. And Sam was probably not far behind.

She's suddenly filled with a fear of loosing them. Feeling the same thing she was putting them through every single day. Bringing up feelings long since dealt with and now her boys must relive their worst nightmares everyday because of her stubbornness.

She just can't accept that they're hunters. That her perfect plan failed.

She pays for the pies and hurries back to her car breaking several speed limits on her way to the bunker. It's growing dark and she's feeling mad at herself for not hating herself, and she's mad at her boys for not hating her.

She's a mess, she knows. She tries to tell herself that this is why she left them. Because she's insecure and unstable and a liability. But she knows even as she feeds herself the lie that it isn't true. Knows that no physical danger or hurt could amount to the pain her absence and indifference is causing.

The sky is a deep blue as she pulls up at the bunker. The impala is no where in sight but she supposes Dean could have her in the garage. She grabs the pies and carefully makes her way down the stairs and to the bunker door.

It's locked tight. She bangs on it repeatedly for a few minutes until she feels tears on her cheeks and she wipes them away angrily. This is all her fault she's the one hurting them, why is she feeling so betrayed that they aren't here for her then?

Because now she's feeling what they've been feeling, now she knows and oh god, what has she done?

What are they doing this Christmas Eve? What skeevy motel are they staying in? What monster is preying on their heartbeats as they wait in the cold to end it before it hurts anyone? She looks down at her phone numbly. She didn't think to call.

Apparently she never thinks to call.

She huffs another exasperated breath as she plops down on a cold, wet concrete step. It's no wonder Dean can't stand her guts...she can hardly stand her guts. This is pathetic, she tells herself. Dean's just a hunter grown up on liqueur and violence, he isn't her little boy anymore...why does she care about what he thinks so much?

Sam isn't her innocent little baby boy anymore why does she care about his Christmas so much?

She hits Dean's contact and calls him. She's going to find out what they're up to on Christmas without her. She expected them to always be there for her. She expected to be able to run back to them anytime she needed them even if she always turned them away. She took that for granted and now she was going to pay hell for it.

As the phone begins to ring in her ear she can't even imagine the mess she's about to make. Doesn't know her boys are already on the edge and teetering dangerously. Doesn't know that she might just be the one to push them both off the point of the knife and into the unknown void of darkness below.

...tbc

Ahhh loving this so much! Seriously I love this story, been wanting to write it since 12.06, so excited to write all my ideas for y'all ;););) hope you guys are loving it too!

REVIEW IF YOU LIKE THIS! Would love to hear you guy's thoughts?!

See ya soon :)


	5. Part 5

Part 5.

It's after a quick supper of homemade burgers by Jody and Dean that Claire and Alex are kicked to the kitchen on clean up duty. Claire is somehow managing to splash both of them with suds and Alex is hissing at her to be quiet as she croons an old Billy Joel song. Alex wants to listen to the boys and Jody's conversation, Claire smirks and tells her they can figure it out...eavesdropping is for amateurs.

She pulls Alex over with a wet hand, "C'mere!"

"Get off of me!" Alex whines brushing bubbles off her clothes and glaring at Claire because of the dark wet spot on her shirt. "What do you want?"

Claire shoves the scrub brush into a glass and water and suds fly again, and sends Alex retreating quickly.

"We've got to get a game plan," Claire loud whispers, "Which movie?"

Alex's face lights up with mischievous joy and joins Claire again at the sink. She throws the drying towel over Claire's shoulder and takes over washing up; she's not so messy. "How about 'Miracle On Thirty-First Street?'"

"Everybody has seen that," Claire whispers back. Her eyes suddenly light up and she throws an arm around Alex's neck who scowls as she struggles to keep washing dishes. "Christmas Shoes is the one for us, homie."

Alex scrunches up her nose, "Everybody has seen that one too." She objects.

Claire shakes her head while grabbing a handful of chips from a bag sitting on the counter and begins to crunch on them waving her finger confidently at Alex.

"Those boys have miles of momma and daddy issues, Christmas Shoes is going to wreck them." She smiles mischievously again and joins Alex at the sink again wiping her hands off on her jeans and beginning to rinse the dishes. "I'm never gonna let Dean live this down. Alex...this is black mail material for the rest of our existence!"

Alex bursts into quiet giggles at her and they both try to suppress their evil laughter as they finish up the dishes. Alex starts popping some popcorn and Claire finds some eggnog and grins even naughtier as she brings out some rum to spike it with.

"Jody's gonna kill you," Alex warms.

"Don't worry," Claire soothes sunnily, "I'll ask first. Have you ever known a Winchester to turn down alcohol?"

Alex thinks for a moment, but shakes her head in the negative.

"Exactly," Claire smiles, "We'll have both of them balling their eyes out."

Claire goes to stand in the kitchen doorway, "Spiked eggnog anyone?"

Jody doesn't miss a beat. "Claire you can't offer alcohol if you're underage."

Claire rolls her eyes and waits, making a 'go ahead' motion to Jody.

Jody sighs and turns towards the boys, "Spiked eggnog guys?"

"Absolutely!" Dean says clapping his hands together in expectation.

"That would be great, Claire, thank you." Sam says calmer.

Dean rolls his eyes, "Better make his twice as strong if we plan on having fun!" He calls after Claire.

"Noted." She shouts back to him.

And Dean smirks at Sam who just crosses his arms and frowns at him disapprovingly. "You're looking a little grumpy Sammy," Dean teases, "Maybe you should go to bed early."

To Sam's middle finger he laughs and says, "What was that you called him, Claire?" He calls into the kitchen.

"Dean's papa beat, Sam's baby bear." She says coming in with two wine glasses filled with frothy creamy liquid.

Sam groans and Dean laughs.

"Get used to it," Claire grins, "That's me and my girl's favorite nicknames for you two." She smirks as she throws an arm around Alex's shoulders as the smaller girl comes to stand beside her.

"Popcorn anyone?" Alex asks even as the microwave dings.

"Are we watching a movie?" Dean asks, suddenly cluing into the smell of popcorn and Claire turning on the TV.

"Yes sir." Claire asserts, plopping down on the couch beside him and folding her legs up under herself. "A good old Christmas classic for Christmas Eve."

Dean laughs quietly to himself as Sam groans in the background. Finally! These girls were more festive than Sam, he's relieved to not be sent packing to bed with Sam at some unbearably early hour. He sends Claire a wide spread genuine smile and she almost feels guilty. But then he is the old tried and true...it's not her fault he's falling for her and Alex's plan.

Sam tastes the eggnog but doesn't to mind more rum than anything after the Christmas movie announcement. Alex giggles as she sits on the couch beside Claire and they both exchange knowing glances at they turn off the lights and push play on the movie.

Granted, it's a hallmark movie and a little cheesy and Dean won't shut up about all the movies he's seen with Rob Lowe but finally he's settling down...Claire is sure when they're about in the middle of the movie that by the end she'll have at least the elder Winchester totally enthralled and powerless prey to the sappy Christmas movie. The end was the killer, she's pretty sure even she gets wet eyed at the end.

She's shooting Alex victorious, confident looks and pinching her leg and tickling her sides when Dean's phone rings.

Damn it, she thinks, as she reaches to pause the movie. Not a good time for an interruption it'll break the spell.

Dean sighs deep and Claire watches Sam's eyes jump to his brother, watching his face carefully as Dean reads the caller ID and sighs again. She's more disturbed by the way Sam watches him then by Dean's hesitance to answer his phone. Sam knows something is off and afoot and he's watching Dean carefully.

What had she missed? She wonders. Claire prides herself in knowing people. Sure, she'd felt some tension between the boys but she felt like Dean was alright, apparently she was mistaken. Because Sam was worried, she could tell. And he knew Dean better than anyone alive.

Dean stands and just quietly pads over to his boots, "Y'all can go ahead with out me," he says, "Gotta take this." He slides on his shoes and steps out the front door, closing it behind him. Jody cuts her eyes at Sam questioningly who is just staring at the floor with a troubled frown on his face.

Claire is getting the idea Sam is less than exuberant about Christmas, she's also getting the vibe he's feeling hell of a lot guilty about something. She's also guessing Jody knows something already or maybe she's just guessing like Claire, the boys weren't letting on about something.

She can hear Dean's soft deep voice rumbling through the window where he's standing on the stoop talking into the phone. Even from inside she can hear the sadness and just pure exhaustion in his voice. She frowns, remembering all his smiles and jokes this afternoon. The way he had lifted her spirits and Jody's and Alex's, how he had smiled at Sam even when he's little brother seemed more intent on being a wet blanket...

Claire scowls sweeping blond hair behind her ears, seems to her there needs to be someone on Dean Winchester's side right the hell now.

...

As the movie starts Dean feels peace and quiet descend upon him. Claire is warm against his side, a symbol that he is loved and appreciated. He's sitting in an honest to God living room watching a movie with some of his favorite people. Some of his family who wanted him there and wanted to celebrate Christmas and well, family.

He tries to ignore the way his heart constricts as Sam's words echo through his head again. He quickly loses himself again in Claire and Alex's contemptuous remarks on their movie and naming every film he'd every seen with the actors in it.

Sam sitting not five feet away from him is the farthest away his brother has felt in a long time. He feels like his heart is breaking as it just pulls tighter every time he thinks of Sam, which let's face it, is a lot. He's feeling a little sentimental and claustrophobic like he never wants this movement to end but he also really needed to get out and away.

He loves where he is with Jody and the girls but he feels like Sam is just this shadow and weight of disapproval and disbelief. The hurt he thought was dulling was in fact just festering and growing all this time.

And now that he has something to draw contrast to his brother he's feeling more hurt than ever. Jody is throwing popcorn at him and telling him to shut up, Claire is whispering in his ear about how "you and Rob Lowe are practically the same age, old man" and Alex is letting out musical peaks of laughter every time he or Claire say something entirely inappropriate...

Yes, the weight of relief and panic is crushing.

The knowledge of what should be and what isn't is terrifying him...he's terrified for Sam. Because somehow his little brother is missing out on this feeling of contentment he's feeling right now, and he's just feeling that miserable loneliness that is sneaking over Dean's heart like ice.

The feeling that is only preying on him, because he knows, Sam's feeling it.

When he feels like he's sinking into unrecoverable melancholy his phone rings. His heart simultaneously sinks and tries to fly out of his chest. Does he want to get called away on a hunt now or not?

When he reads the caller ID everything in him freezes. He'd given up the thought of this person calling him on the Holidays weeks ago now. He rises frigidly and goes outside to take the call. Honestly, he's scaring himself. He feels like a time bomb not even he understands. He feels like he's going to explode any second...knows he can't bear much more.

He shuts the front door behind him. "Hello?" He asks gruffly.

"Dean?" And his eyes slide shut, her voice covering him in betraying warmth and false safety. His mouth is suddenly dry, a feeling of deep regret filling him at the thought of how past present and future Holidays could have been.

"Mom. Hey." He gets out, eyes fixing on stars in the cold, clear winter night.

"Hey Dean, you good?" Her vice comes over a little scratchy, he decides not to read into it.

"Yeah I'm great," he responds clearing his throat, "You?"

"I'm good, yeah," she answers and he can hear her kicking the ground with her foot from the other side of the phone, she's nervous. He tries not to feel a small twinge of satisfaction.

"I'm uh, at the bunker. You boys aren't home are you?"

"Ah, um no." He suddenly gets a picture of her, alone at the bunker, cold and locked out of their home. Separated from her only family, even if it was her own fault. "No, sorry, we came up to Jody's for a few days. If I'd have known you were coming I'd have..."

"No," she breaks him off, a little chill in her tone and Dean feels his walls going up record time...does nothing to stop them. Looks at the snow kind of numbly as the chill in her voice suddenly fills him with an alarming coldness of his own.

"It's alright," she says as Dean tunes back into her voice. "Y'all went up to Jody's for a few days, you mean for Christmas?"

He bites the side of his mouth and looks down, "Yeah, for Christmas."

There's silence on the other end of the phone. And he feels regret and pain for her but at the same time it was no one's fault but her own, all she had to do was call. And suddenly pain is smarting in his own chest he's short of breath with it...she came to spend Christmas with them as an after thought.

Lord knows after how many other things she had prioritized over them.

"You didn't call," he hears her saying as if from another body, like he was just witnessing all this.

Feels anger and sadness and rejection thundering through him as if he were just a third party.

Would you have answered? He means to ask. Instead,

"You wouldn't have answered." Is all that comes out with dead surety. And not in a defiant, angry, bitter tone. In a quiet voice that reflects his sadness and exhaustion.

He is too tired for this. He can't do this. He can't pretend anymore, and yet he can't fight either. He feels defeated and resigned.

"What's that supposed to mean?" She asks hotly in his ear.

He shrugs even though aware she can't see him. "Nothing, just you wouldn't have."

She silent to that.

"So I'm just supposed to be alone is that?" She asks him, anger in her voice, and Dean is too numb to realize how ridiculous it is that he feels guilty for not including her in their holiday plans.

"You just go up there with 'Jody' for Christmas and I'm supposed to stay down here alone, great." He's never heard her quite like this, feels another layer of unfeeling glaze over him...and Sam isn't there this time to stop it...Sam doesn't care either.

"You should drive up here," he hears himself say, "I'll send you the address."

There's quiet on the other end of the phone and Dean blinks at the sky blankly waiting for her. Some small, still alive part of him hoping she doesn't, but that piece of him that had been all John's awoken by her angry voice hoped she'd be pacified and come.

Though he didn't know it yet Dean was a wreck.

"Okay," Mary says, "I'll come."

He doesn't answer.

"I got pie." She tells him as something to say.

He gives a quiet laugh, sad smile that hurts him more to shape than anything. "I'll send the address." He affirms before hanging up and quickly typing out the address. When it's done he stands there silently for a moment.

He closes his eyes and tips his head back to catch the bracing wind full in the face. He waits for the quiet to settle over his soul again but it doesn't. He hasn't felt this way in a very long time...heart full with emotions so full it's overflowing...so full he's sure it's going to shatter.

...

When Dean comes back inside Sam hardly recognizes him. He knows suddenly something terrible has happened, something he'd counted on being far away. Something had broken...

Something in his brother had broken.

Panic is filling him and has him sitting forward in his chair in a heart beat. "Dean? Is everything okay?" He asks, he feels Jody tense and worried close by.

Dean gives him a ghost of a smile, he seems to think he looks normal. "Yeah, its fine." He holds up his phone as he sits down, "It was just mom."

He feels Jody's tension rise about fifty degrees.

Dean looks to her with a tired, sheepish smile, "I hope it's okay I invited her, she was alone."

"Dean," she says softly, "Of course it's okay but you shoulda called her before you came, she is family."

Sam lets his hand fist and unfist, "Yeah, that wasn't very fair to her." And he doesn't mean to sound accusatory, doesn't mean that he finds fault in Dean, he's saying it to himself too...he hadn't even thought about her. Just assumed she hadn't wanted celebrate Christmas like himself...too many memories...to many dreams not lived out.

But that's not the way it comes out. And he watches his brother crumble under his words.

"I did." Is all Dean gets out.

Oh shit.

Sam feels sick, and he wants to say I'm sorry and she doesn't deserve you and I don't deserve but none of that comes out. Instead he just looks at Dean with the rest of the pairs of eyes in the room.

He misses the way Claire's eyes fall angry on him, and her small white hand lands on Dean's slumped back.

Sam watches the feelings wash over his brother. Knows Dean is telling himself he's pathetic for putting himself out there, for actually thinking of his family when none of his family thought of him.

And god, as Sam looks at his brother he realizes what a mess he is. Hasn't seen Dean this closed up but wrecked at the same time in years. He realizes looking at Dean he doesn't know how to fix this. He feels fear and an overwhelming love wash through him for Dean. He doesn't know how to fix this...he doesn't know how to be there for Dean.

He caused the rift between them...he drifted so far away from Dean and now...now he can't reach him. Now Sam knows Dean has retreated to that place where only himself is god and reason, where only himself can be trusted. That place where anger, strength and determination is replaced by exhaustion and acceptance.

And Sam wants to blame their mom, wants to yell at her and shake her and tell her someone can only be rejected so many times before they break. Before they shatter and you lose your chance.

Even as Sam thinks this and Dean waits for him to say something he feels the pieces of his brother slipping through his fingertips. And where Mary may have been the last blow Sam knows they both are reaping what they sowed... they're both losing him...or they're losing the Dean who fought for family and loved holidays and made dirty Santa Claus jokes.

He wants to fight for that part of his brother, wants to say screw Lucifer and his lies, screw mom and her selfishness...screw this world and their definition of family and what we supposedly need...we have each other.

But he finds he doesn't know how to.

Sam Winchester is at a loss for words. Sam Winchester doesn't know what to say. Sam Winchester isn't there for his brother. Sam Winchester let Dean down again. His breath catches in his throat, he finds his fingers itching to grab Dean and full him close, try and hold the pieces together since he can't convince Dean with his words.

But he watches as every moment of silence puts more and more of a distance between them, watches as the look in Dean's eyes gets father and father away. Watches as his brother and his thoughts are entirely hidden from him for the first time since Dean came back from being a demon.

He looks down and away, his insides trembling with the pain and fear of what he sees in his brother. Sam is glad Dean and the way Claire stays close to him and talks to him in a low voice is hidden from him in the darkness of the room and the sounds of the TV. Can't look at who he's failed so miserably, can't look at who he just lost...can't look and not know how he was going to make this right.

Claire and Alex are sensitive and gentle, Sam thinks his brother just found himself two new little sisters and defenders. He's officially the new bad guy around here. He watches his brother selflessly laugh with them and forget all his problems for their petty immature jokes, his eyes genuinely sparkling when he smiles at them.

He ends up with Claire's head on his shoulder wrapped up in a blanket with her and the bowl of popcorn in his lap, Alex reaching over to grab a handful every few minutes. Somehow he confiscates Sam's eggnog and knocks it back looking deceivingly better with the flush of the alcohol on his cheeks in sharp contrast with his white face.

Dean cries at the end of the movie.

Sam feels dead inside.

...tbc

Okay I'm crying rn! Seriously why am I doing this to myself?!

Hope u enjoy ;);)

Leave me a little review!?


	6. Part 6

Part 6.

Dean had allowed himself great expectation for the holidays. What with his mother back from the dead after thirty-three years and he and Sam growing closer and closer. There was a warm cheer singing through his veins and he was sure they would feel it too. Sure they would see how blessed they were to have this second chance, to have this opportunity.

He'd waited weeks for Mary to call and make plans with them for Christmas. He had faith in her as his mother to be there with them...he remembered a Christmas or two from the old life. He remembered the way he and his mother bonded over the holiday season.

He remembers being about waist high and standing close to her decorating the tree, she trusted him with the precious glass balls and let him pick a place for them. They drank hot chocolate while hanging stockings, he stood in his socked feet on the front porch while she hung wreaths on the front door and front window.

He watched as she and John kissed under mistletoe she'd hung before he got off of work.

He still remembers the warm safe feeling surrounding him as he sat in between John's legs as they wrapped presents as a family, and Mary spiking their eggnog, giving Dean hot coco in a sippy cup. He remembers...and he has faith she won't let him down.

She might have failed them miserably, she might not be able to accept them as they are. But there was no way in hell Mary Winchester would leave her family and not do anything on Christmas. And so he waited.

But nothing happened. There was nothing but silence between them.

He left a couple of voice mails on her phone a day for about a week. He gave up the week before Christmas. He accept that times changed, people changed. Mary didn't want Christmas, didn't want him...didn't even want to try for them.

Then Sam fell into his depression and Lucifer still hung over their heads...Dean was angry with Mary instead of being hurt until that point. As he left Sam to his own devices after their conversations about both hopelessness and humanity and the world he felt well and truly alone. There was nothing rankling in his chest except hurt and sadness.

Maybe that's where the crack had started, the beginning of his unraveling. He was secluded for two days before leaving for Jody's and he'd been entirely alone for both of those wondering what he'd done wrong. Why did his family not want to be together? Why was there such doubt about the miracle of their all being alive? Where was the thankfulness and amazement at having such an amazing chance...something that by all rights he and Sam should have never had a go at, or Mary.

And both of them hadn't been the least bit interested, hadn't even give him a chance to make this worth their while, to show them that THIS is what they have fought for. All the torture, every single victory earned with blood...this was what it was all for.

" _Do you ever wonder...wonder what we mean, wonder if it's worth it. Worth it to fight so hard for something that's inevitably gonna end anyways?"_

Inevitably going to end. Huh. Nice one Sam. Just because everyone dies doesn't mean that every single person just doesn't try to live. Doesn't try to make something of themselves. 'Death is just another path, one we all must take.'

And that might be a quote for Lord Of The Rings but come on, Dean knows, believes...death is not the end. One can't live in fear of death. Dean fears a death that will leave Sam on his own and vulnerable, he fears a life without Sam...but death does not frighten him. Not even the fricking 'Empty.'

(Somebody really needs to talk to the reapers about their intimidation methods.)

But you know what he does fear? This. Fighting all this time for his family only to find when it's finally the time his family doesn't want what he's fought for. This is what makes him question the purpose and wonder if what he's done is worth anything in the end.

He doesn't ask for eternity in heaven...he doesn't ask that Chuck save all the innocents. He doesn't ask Mary to love them perfectly, he doesn't ask Sam to stop leaving his dirty underwear in his jeans so that Dean has pull them out when he does their laundry...he just wants them to honest to God TRY like he does.

He just wants them to try, to work for this family at least half as much as he does.

Mary is back from the dead on Christmas. He waits for his mother to call him and say, "Sweetie, I want to be with you and your brother for the holidays...I want to be with my boys on Christmas." But she doesn't. In fact she's quieter right now than ever before.

Dean is slowly starting to not feel, not to care, he's been hurting too long. He's been trying too long and too hard and now nothing is happening, none of his hard work and faith makes any difference to his loved ones.

That's when he turns to Jody and the girls. He feels like he can trust them...the warmth surrounding and enveloping him as he enters their home is what he's been craving, is all he wanted. So he shoves it all away, shoves it all back where he can't feel it and he revels in the love and peace he's getting from Jody and the girls, and the little bit of happiness he's able to give them.

Sam needs time, he needs space to figure himself out...Dean can give him that, no matter how much it hurts or put a damper on Christmas...whatever Sammy needed, he got. But when Mary called everything Dean had suppressed and pushed back came crashing into him in an avalanche of emotions.

Sam looked angry that Dean hadn't arranged Christmas with their mom like he had with Jody and god Sammy, if you only knew how hard I tried, he cries out to his brother. He doesn't even realize he lets himself drift away...pulls away back into that safe place. Doesn't make out that the broken expression on Sam's face is for him and not for the Christmas he wanted at the bunker with Mary.

He feels warm and comfortably numb as they finish the movie, the tears on his cheeks don't even register with him. However he's all too aware of Alex and Claire's combined weight and warmth leaning against him. None of them are aware of how much it holds his fraying edges together, not even himself.

Jody goes off to bed and Sam says goodnight shoulders slumped a little, puppy dog eyes accentuated by underlying dark shadows and giving Dean a meaningful glance that he knows is supposed to mean, "we need to talk."

And oh hell, no. No talking not now, not anytime tonight. Probably not tomorrow or a month after that...just no. So he watches Sam disappear into the back of the house and well he's not going to bed until Sam is long asleep. Claire stretches and stands disturbing the blanket, Dean hisses at the cold air and she just grins at him.

"Not ready for bed yet?" She asks, gathering the quilt up in her arms.

He shakes his head, "Nah, couldn't even if I wanted to. Brain won't shut up."

"Me and Alex is gonna watch something in my room, wanna come?" Claire proposes, motioning with her head down the hall.

"Sure."

She's relieved with the face splitting grin that lights him up. "What you wanna watch?" She asks.

"It's good with me as long it's not Gossip Girl." He smirks.

Alex huffs, "You gotta give us a little more credit than that."

Dean holds his hands up in surrender, "Just making sure we're on the same page."

Claire laughs leading the way to her room and Dean makes a pit stop in the kitchen for more eggnog and rum. He pads down the hallway in his socked feet and stops in the doorway just to make sure he's not intruding.

"C'mon," Claire says from the head of her bed where she and Alex are propping up numerous pillows against the wall. "Grab those extra blankets there," she tells him pointing to a basket by the door and he does making for the bed.

He sinks into the mattress and sighs with relief. He feels better away from Sam's stress and worried, guilty eyes and though that kind of makes him feel guilty too he washes his brain of it. He's going to relax and just get his kid on with Alex and Claire. Something, he thinks fondly, Sam is not very good at.

Alex is scrolling through options on Netflix.

"Ohhhh, not fracking Vampire Diaries," Claire groans.

"Hey!" Both Dean and Alex say simultaneously and Claire's face lights up hilariously.

"No way," she smirks, "Dean Winchester is a TVD ." Claire stops everything dramatically, a deep frown marring her face.

"How do badass hunters and vampire victims become vampire diaries fans? That's just really messed up guys..."

Dean just shrugs with a lazy grin on his face, "Had to find something new after Doctor Sexy MD ended." He tries to grumble.

But Claire can see it written all over his face, totally a TVD fangirl.

She giggles. And Alex's face lights up.

"Who's your favorite?" She asks eagerly.

"Pfft," Dean laughs, "Damon of course. Badass mother..." he trails off, remembering Jody's rule about no swearing.

Alex looks surprised, "Isn't he kind of like everything you fight against?"

Dean just shakes his head, "Being righteous is exhausting guys, I got better things to do then judge the people on my tv."

"Or vampires," Claire snarks, with an arched eyebrow.

Dean inclines his head laughing, "Or vampires."

Dean leans his back up against the wall in the middle of the bed and the girls settle on either of his sides. Claire and Dean spread liberal blankets over their legs while Alex rolls her eyes and laughs at them, she's the hot natured one.

The familiar sound of the Vampire Diaries lures Dean further into his security and peace of mind. (He'll never confess that the last two days Sam had left him to himself he'd binged watched season one and two all over again.) Alex and Claire on either side of him are wam and reassuring...he feels safe and at home with them and with himself.

He's laughing softly at Damon sometime later when Claire looks at him with bright eyes...he's lost track of time and episodes.

"What's going on with you and Sam?" She asks gently. So gently she doesn't break the spell, he doesn't even really feel any tension come back into his body.

Dean turns to his other side to find Alex asleep on his shoulder, huh, that's why his arm is asleep. He smiles and turns back to meet Claire's gaze. "Family stuff, you know?"

"Your mom?" She asks, eyebrows raised.

He laughs under his breath. "My lovely life, god's sister brings back my long dead mother as an after thought...said mother apparently does not care for us." He rolls his eyes and Claire studies his profiles for clues as to his feelings.

"Does not care for you? What does that even mean?" She asks, incredulously.

"Frowns upon the whole saving people hunting things...thing."

"But Jody told me your mom was a hunt..."

Dean nods with a bitter smile on his face, "Yeah she was...all started with her."

"Self righteous bitch." Claire says matter-of-factly. "Oh, sorry." She finishes with, tucking wild strands of blonde hair behind her ears.

He laughs drily, "Its okay, sometimes I have to talk myself down from hating her too."

"So what does this have to do with you and Sam?" She asks after a few moments of silence, Dean messing with a frayed piece of his jeans.

He shrugs again, "Stress, tension...I don't know. We ran in to Lucifer, and that's always tough for him, but I guess he just got down...and so I got down."

Claire chuckles, "You two, always go where the other leads."

Dean laughs sadly, "Gonna be the death of each other."

Claire laughs outright at that, "You already have been, several times over Dean."

"I know," he says softly, "And we're okay with that...but Mom, she's not proud of who we are you know? She doesn't want any part of us."

"I'm sure that's not true," Claire says flatly. "She called to spend Christmas with you didn't she?"

He gives her a sarcastic look, "I literally left thirty messages on her phone over the past few weeks...I don't know what this is about, but it's not about us."

"Love a cryptic." Claire states drily.

"You obviously haven't met my mom."

Claire snorts a laugh through her nose and hides her face against Dean's arm momentarily. "Words I never expected to hear from Dean Winchester."

Dean chuckles with her, "Words I never expected to say to you."

"Well," Claire starts, placing a hand on his arm and giving him a half playful half serious look, "And this coming from a girl with a world of parent problems...better parents with issues than none at all."

Dean looks down and nods slowly. "I know Claire, believe I do. I spent my whole life with only one parent and now that I'm older I'm not even sure if he really qualifies...but Mom...she doesn't even know if she wants this life...if she wants her second chance."

Claire scowls, "What kind of attitude is that?"

Dean looks frustrated again. "I don't know about her you know? I don't trust people, and, and she's dragging Sam down with her...and this is hard crap Claire." He finishes confused and desperate and sounding exhausted.

"So you and Sam..."

Dean settles back into the pillows again and cuts his eyes at her, "Sam just needs to work through some stuff, he needed some time...I needed a break," he laughs fondly thinking of his little brother. "So when Jody invited us, I thought hell, yes please."

Claire shakes her head and laughs letting her head fall back on the pillows against the wall, her eyes staying on his face. "You, Dean Winchester, are one effing good brother."

"Hmm," Dean hums a laugh and turns his eyes back to the TV.

The rum glowing in his veins, the calming sounds of the tv in his ears and Claire and Alex's warmth lure him to sleep. A comfortable blanket of sweet numbness spreads over him as he drifts off and a barely there smile turns up his lips as he hears Claire whisper where her chin is resting on his shoulder...

"Gonna kick your mom's ass."

...

Sam sits on the edge of the bed and loses track of time even as he knows Dean isn't coming. Knows Dean isn't up for talking, probably not for a long time. What is wrong with his stupid mouth? It seems he has all he needs to say when he shouldn't say it. And when Dean needed just a few syllables of acceptance and understanding he couldn't even make his freaking brain work.

He stands in the room, finds himself looking around for something...he finds it on the wall over a dresser. A mirror. He's too tall, his eyebrows on up cut out. But he can see his eyes, and the lines of his mouth. Can ask the question. Who is this man? Who am I?

He knows who this is. Sam Winchester. Dean Winchester's little brother, Dean Winchester's hunting partner...his brother's reason for everything he went through, for everything he did. When he looked himself in the eye he didn't see Lucifer, he didn't hear his words...he didn't even think about his stint in hell.

When he saw himself he saw Dean.

His brother. Who never turned his back on him, who never doubted him. Not Lucifer who tore him apart and used him and tried to ruin the world over and over and over again. He saw Dean. Who never stopped fighting for him...for the world.

If there was anything he should have faith in, believe in...be influenced by...it was Dean. Dean who was everything good and true in his life. Dean who hung on to him despite his issues and and his doubt and fear. Who believed in him even when Sam didn't believe in Dean. Who had faith in Sam's goodness even when Sam doubted their goodness combined.

He knows now all of what Dean had been going through. Mary had been ignoring him, had blatantly turned her back on Dean during the holidays...the time Sam knew Mary and Dean had cherished together so long ago. If there was anything Dean had faith in it was family, and the beauty that came along hand in hand with it. And then Sam had gone and doubted that and more.

While Dean was feeling the ultimate betrayal from their mother he'd still had faith for Sam against Lucifer. And then Sam had gone and added to that...he doesn't even want to imagine the hurt in his brother's heart. He grits his teeth.

He is not their mom, he's not Lucifer's bitch. He's Dean's brother, and he believes in them, he believes they are enough to fight against the evil and win for humanity and this world...and if the world ended someday then so be it...but it won't be on their watch.

He smiles at that. And screw their mom if she can't accept the fact that her son's grew up to be a thousand times bigger than the person she is. Dean puts her to shame so bad he's wondering if that's not part of her problem...Dean makes him feel low and dirty sometimes with his nobility and goodness.

What Mary must feel when she looks at her son who she wronged so much and Sam knows she's nearly blinded by the great shining white light of the purity of Dean's heart and soul. And Sam knows it's hard to understand, how can someone who has gone through what Dean has gone through and done the things he's done and still be that good?

And honestly Sam doesn't know how, he explains it as his brother simply being 'Dean.' There's a goodness in his brother far surpassing any person he's ever known and Sam will never doubt that and in turn he will never doubt the goodness of their purpose again...Dean believes so strongly, loves him so strongly...is so loyal to humanity and the earth.

When Sam doubts he knows Dean will believe for the both of him so he'll never doubt again...he solely believes in his brother and that's enough for him.

He finds himself back on the edge of the bed, his eyes burning with tiredness and staring at the wall lost in his thoughts. He rouses himself and finds the house fallen silent, his brother still absent. He silently crosses over to the door, opens and walks down the hall.

The living room is empty and dark. He spots lights playing under Claire's door and he knocks quietly before turning the handle. The door squeaks a little on its hinges and Claire's blond head is the only one that lifts to fix him with piercing blue eyes.

He can't help the smile that lifts his lips as he takes in his brother asleep between the girls, his head fallen to one side towards Claire, who has her hand tucked over his arm in the crease of his elbow. She gives Sam a small smile as he comes forward and he thinks she was expecting this all along. Waiting for him to come for his brother, knowing he wouldn't settle for Dean finding complete comfort in someone other than himself.

He ignores her smug smile and leans over to place a hand on the side of Dean's neck and give a little pressure to wake him up.

"Dean," he says softly, "You ready to come on to bed?"

"S'm?" Dean mumbles under his breath sleepily and stirs a little, eyes heavy and barely open.

"Yeah, it's me," he assures quietly and Claire stands as Sam places a hand on his arm and urges him up. "C'mon big brother."

"Hmm," Dean responds, grabbing Sam's forearm and lets his younger brother pull him upright. Sam sends a quick smile to Claire who is still looking rather happy with herself.

"Thank you." He gets out through a suddenly scratchy throat. Because frankly, Dean hasn't been this relaxed and out of it in a long, long time.

Dean lets himself be led to the next room. Sam smiles to himself as he complacently falls to the left side of the bed and curls up on his side facing Sam. Sam grabs the extra blankets Jody had provided them with throwing two of them over Dean's form, knowing his brother leaned towards the cold side.

"Thanks," he mumbles under his breath, rubbing his face into the soft pillow and pulling the blankets up to his neck.

"No problem." Sam whispers, as he sinks to the mattress by his brother and pulls a blanket up over himself. He watches Dean's features smooth out in the moonlight on the snow from the window, watches his shoulder lift and fall with his breaths...can feel his familiar and safe heat and presence so close.

His soul calms, his heart seems to beat easier, his mind functions with so much more sense. He settles completely and lets himself relax...feels tension that had been stretching him taunt for weeks bleed away.

"Dean?" He whispers.

Dean shifts, merely smacking his lips and humming in unconscious recognition of his brother's voice.

"I'm so, _so_ sorry." Sam mumbles brokenly. "Make it right, I swear." He whispers even as he allows himself to close his eyes and finally have real sleep for the first time in a while.

Tomorrow they could deal with this and their mom, TOGETHER. Dean wasn't dealing with anything else on his own.

Their mom. Sam sighs deep thinking about how thrilled she must be about being replaced with Jody on Christmas and about what tomorrow was going to end up looking like.

The town Sheriff, Claire Novak (self explanatory), Alex, jumpy damaged teenager. Himself, pretty unstable too...then the slightly, emotionally disturbed Mom back from the dead and lastly but definitely not least, Dean Winchester. And all of them stuck in one house for everyone's favorite Holliday.

Not.

Merry effing Christmas.

...tbc

Hope you enjoy this as much as I do! I hope this chapter had some healing effects...I kno I feel so much better now.

See ya soon!

Lemme know your thoughts? :)


	7. Part 7

Part 7.

The delicious, hot smell of steaming coffee is what tempts Sam out of sleep and it's blissful ignorance. The cup is thrust under his nose, the heat scaring him momentarily.

"Here darling."

"Dean?" He asks huskily in his sleep roughened voice. Because what the hell is his brother bringing him coffee in bed for?

"Isn't that what the guy does for the girl the morning after...bring her coffee in bed?"

Sam smirks knowing Dean is pissed off at having woken up in the same bed with him.

"Well, usually it's breakfast too, but thanks, this will do." Sam says easily, looking entirely serious and innocent.

"Oh my lord," Dean sighs dramatically and rolls his eyes, sitting on his side of the bed and siping on his own cup of coffee, closing his eyes and hunching his shoulders over as he inhales the steam and lets the hot, comforting taste slip over his tongue and down his throat.

Sam grabs his phone and checks the time, resisting the urge to check the news for signs of Lucifer. He stretches a little and coughs a little with the hot liquid on his tongue.

"Sleep good?" He ask Dean, who is still staring out the window and brightening sun like he's a little out of it with sleep.

"Oh yeah," Dean sighs out contentedly, "Best sleep in a while actually."

"Yeah me too," Sam agrees.

Dean nods, humming in agreement under his breath and Sam laughs silently at him. It must have been really good sleep indeed.

"Dean." He says softly. And just like he new it would his low, sincere voice catches Dean's attention right away. It's the scared meaningful tone that always calls to Dean, even if they were in a full bar with a rave in the works Dean would still hear, would still respond to Sam's call.

Dean turns his head slowly, but piecing green eyes meet his dead on. Sam is relieved to see some of the fight back in them, but still a fearful space between them. Dean's still accustomed to being hurt, is still wary of Sam and his words.

"I'm sorry I doubted you." Sam says for starters and when Dean waits for him, allows him time, unmoving, eyes still on him Sam swallows and counts a few beats to calm himself.

"I'm sorry I doubted us." He looks down into his lap, "I, I don't know why or even how...but I just let him under my skin."

There is quiet between them for a few moments.

"And last night about Mom, I don't blame you. I know she's being difficult and...and you always go above and beyond for a our family. You always no matter what have faith and believe in me...so even if I doubt myself or this world, or even humanity...I still, always believe in you Dean. You keep me going, you give me reasons to keep going and trust that no matter the ending results it's worth it."

He heaves a big breath and slowly looks to his brother who's head is turned slightly away from him, "So I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry."

Dean slowly turns and looks at him, and Sam is surprised but so thankful to see tears swimming in those greens eyes like the ones swimming in his own.

"I'll always believe in you Sammy." He says softly, to hide the roughness of his voice. And after a few beats of silence... "Thank you."

Sam sighs with relief, a thousand burdens lifted off his shoulders as the space between them is obliterated. Dean's eyes grow warm, emotions and thoughts flying across his face in record time and Sam's very soul feels like it's sobbing with relief. He swallows thickly.

"Sooo, what we gonna do about Mom?" He asks next as Dean sips on his coffee peacefully, both of them reveling in the fact that there's nothing but clear air between them.

Dean laughs, letting a hand fall through his hair. "What to do about Mom? Such a nice conversation starter Sam."

Sam snorts through his nose, "Kind of a necessity, since she'll be here anytime."

"Ohhh crap." Dean sighs, hand on the back of his neck, massaging the muscles there already beginning to tense up. "I forgot, Merry Christmas, Sammy boy."

Sam laughs with his brother at the irony of the situation. It's Christmas morning and they both forgot about it, to be excited or...'otherwise' in light of their mother's coming and in abject fear of her opinion of them and the way she treats them.

Both boys hearts were heavy and filled with apprehension with the thought of facing her and her disapproval again. They both loved her so much that they didn't want to mar their view of her with the way she felt about them, or the way she decided to treat them. They could look past her needing time and her needing some space but they couldn't ignore that she thought less than dirt of their life's work. That she looked down on them for standing for everything they fought for, everything that held them together.

She was even surprised with strength of their bond, that they were still together...that one of Or both of them hadn't run for the hills by now...like she had. Every time they were with her a sour taste was left in their mouths for her and for themselves and that was not what they wanted, not at all. They wanted to love and respect her and as for themselves, they were more than competent enough to hate themselves.

It wasn't that they didn't love her. They loved her so much! It was just that they were afraid of what she might do to mar the purity of that love.

Sam groans and sets his empty coffee mug on the bedside table before burrowing back down in the pillows and pulling the blankets over his head.

Dean chuckles, "Gonna hide from her under there big boy?"

Sam hits at him blindly, "Shaddup," he grumbles from under the blankets.

Dean lets himself fall to the mattress on his elbows and speak softly to Sam's ear. "I can just see her now when I tell her your sick in bed...she'd be here the moment she heard trying to make up for all the years she missed dosing out your medicine and feeding you chicken noodle soup. Which would be really sweet if, if, if..." he pauses for effect.

"If it didn't drive you crazy to be babied, cuz you know," he snakes his hand under the blankets and finds Sam's head and gives it a hard rub. "If poor Sammy was sick, dear old Dean wouldn't be able to leave his bedside...then we'd both be here to wait on you hand and foot. And...make you lose your shit."

Dean laughs, extremely pleased with himself and Sam groans throwing the blankets off his body and shoving Dean away. "Okay dang, you win, I'm getting up."

He rises, nearly falling off the low lying bed with his long legs tangled in the sheets. He digs through his bags grumbling under his breath as he finds some clothes. Dean is still laughing laying on his stomach in the bed, he steals Sam discarded pillow and bunches it up under his head.

"I didn't mean right this minute, Jody and the girls aren't even up yet," he sighs sleepily, but fixes Sam with an innocent stare. "But now that you're up I think I'll have a nap with the bed all to myself."

Sam scowls deep. "You dick," He snarls as he takes off and jumps on Dean who tries to keep his laughs down. What was supposed to be a wrestling match for the bed turns out to be a wild tickle fight with limbs every and Dean's elbow in Sam's eye, who drives his fingers into the underside of Dean's knee in retaliation.

"Ow!" Dean hisses, "No fair, that's cheating! Dirty fighter," he grits out as he struggles to get a handful of Sam's hair.

"How you taught me to fight, stupid," Sam grunts out as he runs knuckles down Dean's sternum roughly.

"Not that dirty!" Dean objects and finally pulls his brother's head back with a handful of soft hair. Sam gives a yell muffled by a mouthful of pillow as Dean knees him in the back and begins to tickle him down his sides.

"Not. dirty. my. ass." Sam grits out through strangled giggles.

Dean chuckles at the sounds of his little brother's laughter and finally gives up the torture as Sam gives up.

"Okay, you win," he gasps. "Asshat." He huffs as turns over on his back and takes in deep breaths.

"Sore loser." Dean shoots back sunnily.

"Me being a loser doesn't make u any less an ass."

"At least this guy is a winning ass."

"Oh shut up, and go back to sleep." Sam shoves his shoulder a little too hard and Dean ends up on the floor, "Or stay down there." He giggles.

Dean pulls himself back up on the bed and lays down flat on his back catching his breath and grinning widely shutting his eyes.

"Floor's all yours."

...

Jody is in the kitchen when Dean shows his face, he's dressed but he's totally bed ragged. She smirks as he yawns into his hand and fills a cup he already had with him with coffee.

"Been up already?" She asks, surprised.

He nods, "Yeah me and Sammy had coffee but we fell back asleep, He's still killing it, kid was pretty exhausted."

She hears it in his tone, "You boys get worked out?" She tries to be unassuming as she peanut butters some toast.

Dean cocks his head to one side looking slightly annoyed, "Why are we so obvious?"

Jody laughs, "Last night neither of you were anywhere near getting sleep and this morning your both killing it peacefully? Obviously whatever was between y'all got resolved."

"Yeah," Dean muses, he leans against the bar and sips on his coffee. "We're doing so much better already, I can't thank you enough Jody."

She waves him off, "How about your mom? Fun times."

"No kidding," Claire says sarcastically from the door way where she stands in skinny jeans and a red sweater.

"Aw look, the grumpy cat is all festive," Dean says smiling at her sweetly when she makes a face at him.

"Merry Christmas Claire," Jody soothes over and Claire gives her a sincere smile in return.

"Merry Christmas Jody," she returns and avails herself of one Jody's pieces of toast. Dean raises his eyes brows as she leaves the kitchen eating it without a thought. Jody looks sheepish and shrugs, putting another piece in the toaster.

"Oh oh oh," Dean says, "They so have you whipped."

"That's enough from you Dean Winchester," Jody says playfully, as she eyes the second cup that Dean is filling with coffee, one he'd also brought with him from the bedroom. "The one who is taking his fully grown brother coffee in bed for the second time."

"Oh shut up." Dean grumbles under his breath.

"Gonna get freshened up for mommy dearest?"

She laughs as Dean attempts to give her middle fingers while holding coffee mugs.

"Better keep me on your side Jody, cuz I'd say Mary Winchester was in full jealous mama bear mode." She groans as Dean leaves the room with a knowing smirk. Great. She was now on mama Winchester's black list...and the oldest son thought it was funny.

"Don't worry," Claire practically growls from the living room, "I'm already prepared to kick her ass."

Double great.

She looks down at her jeans and Christmasy plaid shirt. She's a sheriff and a fellow hunter, close to Sam and Dean and supports them and agrees with them...Dean turned to her when he needed help, when he was lonely...when Mary hadnt been there for them.

Oh yeah, she was definitely on the black list. Like the extra midnight blacklist. And yet she can't really bring herself to care. She knows the pain of mother hood and for wanting to be enough for your kids, but she also doesn't...can't ever understand or condone the way Mary was treating her sons.

If she could help those boys in anyway, could be the friend she'd sworn she would be for her own son and for Bobby then she'd face a thousand Mary Winchester's any day, any time.

...

Mary woke up in a motel. Alone. It was six-thirty in the morning. Christmas morning.

Her boys weren't hunting or trying to save anyone's lives. They weren't alone and in the bunker researching and trying to save the world. They were at Jody's, that woman Dean had obviously trusted and Sam had loved so much as to let the demon go free. She grits her teeth as she gets ready and packs her bag.

Part of her knows it's all her fault but the other part of her says they should be there anyways, that they shouldn't just replace her because she isn't what they want. And she knows that not true but Winchester self-doubt runs in the blood.

She feels like a complete failure every time she's around them and that's because she is, she fails them every time she turns her back and leaves again. Fails them. Lets them down. Stains their pure love and faith.

She'd had a clean slate to start with both of them and she was screwing up so bad. They ran to a friend for Christmas instead of her. They mourned Asa with Jody and not her. Because she shut them out, didn't talk to them, didn't tell them what was going on in her head and what she wanted exactly.

She listens to annoying Christmas music driving northwards towards South Dakota. She thinks of Dean's bone weary tone on the phone last night and thinks she's tired of causing that. Of causing shadows to pass over his face, of causing those beautiful green eyes to dull with hurt. Of causing him to pull away with betrayal after betrayal.

But when she sees her two boys together she knows she will never be apart of that. She knows they will be a trio, but the bond between them will never be broken. She'll always be an outsider looking in at them...and she doesn't know if she can do that, doesn't know if she can live this life without her John.

She's not sure how it works but she recognizes her boys as soulmates for each other, sees how they are complete in each other. How their souls and heart rest assured with life and it's worth in each other's presence. And she just...she doesn't think she can watch them every day and live without John and her partner in crime, the father to her children and the man she left everything behind for.

She drives on with these thought rushing through her head, sometimes blinding her vision with tears, sometimes making her slap the steering wheel in anger. She huffs with annoyance and frustration as she drives through the painfully normal and picturesque neighborhood leading to Jody's address.

And then she sees John's car sitting out in front of a medium sized house. But it's beautiful none the less, not overly decorated for Christmas but still festive. She can see a tree through the front window.

Suddenly a flash of movement catches her attention.

A blond head catches in the sunlight, bobbing up and down hiding behind the impala. She tenses and then sucks in an apprehensive breath as Dean streaks out from behind some trees in the side of the yard and barrels towards the blond.

He looks cold but alive, a flush spread over his face. She's afraid of what mess he'd gotten himself into now until the blond headed girl takes off from her hiding place and across the yard towards the road.

Dean changes course and hits her full run. Mary watches as the girl's face lights up with a grin and a high itched scream and Dean softens the impact of his hit by pulling her body into his and rolling to ground on his back so she avoids the fall. A huge smile splits Dean's face and Mary can hear his light hearted laugh through her door.

As Dean is still crowing his victory, the blond grabs handful of snow and stuffs it down the back of his shirt, rubbing it all over his skin. Dean grabs her hand and quickly twists it behind her back. Mary's breath catches with how dangerous the move looked but Claire was laughing and pleading.

"Please don't Dean, please not the face."

Dean just smiles sunnily, "Fair is fair, goldie locks," he tells her, an attempt at an insult Mary notices with a smirk. He grabs up a handful of snow and rubs it roughly in the girl's face. Mary winces but begins to laugh as Claire splutters and sticks her tongue out, licking all over Dean's palm.

Her oldest son jerks his hand away quickly scowling as he wipes it off on his frozen, snow caked jeans. "Ew!" He objects.

The girl stands laughing giving thumbs up to the bay window. Mary follows her gaze to find Sam's face staring at them, a huge smile on his face, showing off dimples so like John's it hurts in her chest. She watches Dean pout and make a half hearted grab at Claire who jerks away easily. Light on her feet, quick reflexes...another hunter? Mary wonders.

As the girl turns back to Dean to laugh at him she catches sight of Mary sitting in the driveway. She stops, her face losing all brightness. Dean still on his knees, jerks around to see what the girl is staring at, and Mary can feel Sam's eyes on her too.

Faces fall, shadows pass over all of them. And even Mary feels her own heart darken. Her boys weren't like that for her, and she knows it's her fault, she knows everything is her fault. But she's confused and angry, god she's so angry. And she's hurt at having not been invited to this little Christmas thing before last night, she's jealous of Jody who apparently her son's trust enough to take off a few days and take refuge in her home...something she's never been able to give them.

Something, she thinks as she watches Dean's walls go up record fast, that she might never be able to give them. And it would be all her fault.

...

Sam is cuddled up on the couch with a cup of hot eggnog and just little bit of rum, his feet in the cushions and something Alex had given him for a quick read. However he'd long since forgotten it in favor of watching Dean and Claire egg each other on outside.

Jody had called enough when they'd nearly knocked her over horsing around in the kitchen. She sent them packing outside to play in the snow and spend some of their energy. He laughs at Dean who pouts but helps Claire pull on her coat.

"Oh shut up." He tells Sam standing just outside the door letting Claire out before him. His first mistake. A snow ball hits him square in the face and after that it's full out war. Sam watches them chase each other around the yard gasping the crips, cold air in and Dean's eyes sparkling, color coming to his skin...a life in him Sam is so thankful to see.

Sam will never understand how and why some people just connect with Dean, but he loves to watch his brother and those whose lives he touches. Claire and Dean had such a rough start but they were the best of friends now. He could tell Claire felt safe and comfortable around him and the same for Dean, which was very rare for both of them.

He watches the vicious fight come to a head with them both ending up tossed in the snow. Claire attempts to get the last shot in, Dean is anything but an easy loser. Sam hisses with the sight of his brother rubbing snow in Claire's face but laughs wildly when she licks over his palm.

(He knows from experience how much Dean hates that.)

He loves the sight of Dean heaving breaths through smiling lips, and eyes alive and snapping with life, the wrinkles by his eyes testifying to his happiness. Claire is laughing over him where Dean is kneeling in the snow and he laughs and smiles to Claire who turns to him knowing all along he'd been watching from the window...and for a delicious moment Sam thinks, _this must be what Christmas really feels like._ Then as he studies them both their faces fall.

Sam had been too busy and wrapped up in watching the pair to notice the car pull into Jody's drive way. He catches sight of a pale, angled face so like Dean's through the window along with a glint of gold. He watches his brother change before his very eyes, walls and defenses flying up, the openness and happiness Sam had been reveling in only moments before entirely disappearing. His heart clenches at the sight and he sighs.

She's here.

...tbc

Mary's here! Was she really ignoring Dean? Did she even get all of his messages? Clash of the moms coming up lol! Be back with more soon.

Lemme now your thoughts and likes and dislikes with a REVIEW! ;););)


	8. Part 8

Part 8.

Sam immediately rises, throwing his head back and gulping down the rest of the spiked eggnog and slips his boots on leaving the book stranded on the couch. He opens the door and steps out on the front step and into the bracing cold, quickly making his way towards his brother. Doesn't want him to be alone.

Mary opens her door and climbs out shutting it behind her. Folding her arms for warmth but Sam recognizes it as the sign of insecurity it is. He can see his brother battling for calm, definitely trying not to have family drama in front of Claire. He comes upon them on Dean's side and gives his mother a sincere dimpled smile.

"Hey Mom," he says and gives her a one armed hug and turns back towards Dean.

"Mom." Dean says not unkindly, "This is Claire, she's um, she's related to Cas."

Claire scowls at that elbowing Dean in the side.

Mary's face grows sharper with interest and she offers Claire her hand, "Nice to meet you." She says in her quiet way. "So you're an angel then?" She asks next, obviously expecting her to be a supernatural being of some sort.

Claire snorts, "No I'm human. I'm not actually related to Castiel," she rolls her eyes up at Dean. "Cas, I guess you could say he knew my dad..."

"It's a long story." Dean says, still rubbing his side where Claire's elbow had been.

"They all are." Mary says smiling.

Sam smiles at that. "Yes they are. Why don't we go inside and you can tell us what you've been up to."

"Yeah," Dean says rubbing his hands together. "I'm freezing."

"Too cold for you out here, old man?" Claire snarks, skipping to meet his long strides towards the warm house.

"I just finished kicking your blond skinny ass," Dean snarls playfully at her, "Don't make me do it again."

"Ya sound big." Claire coos back at him as she opens the door. "Jody!" She yells, "Mary's here."

Mary turns to Sam questioningly at Dean and Claire's banter but Sam just rolls his eyes and shakes his head, reassuring her it's okay. Dean kicks off his snowy boots and groans as he moves his toes around slowly, "Jody, I've got frostbite now!" He whines as she comes into the room because she was the one who made him go outside.

"Hi Mary," she says sweetly, ignoring Dean, "Its so nice to see you again, I'm glad you could come."

Mary gives her a stretched smile, "Thank you for having me, it's nice to see you again too," though she looked like she'd just stepped on a snake.

Dean and Sam cut eyes at each other. This is what they'd been afraid of.

Alex appears in the hall, "Who is it guys?" She asks, and then when she doesn't recognize the visitor she comes forward. She's got an old, beat up copy of The Simirilion in hand, her finger marking her place in about the middle.

"Hey Alex," Sam says smiling, "This is our Mom, Mary."

"Hi Alex," Mary says, holding out her hand, "Lovely to meet you."

Alex just raises her eyebrows. "Mary, the dead mom?" She asks, eyes on Sam.

He swallows, "Yeah, she was dead. Is, is this going to be a problem?" He asks, taking a few shifty steps towards her and glancing nervously at Jody.

Alex shrugs, a small smile appearing, "No, I mean with all the times you guys have died..." she motions to him and Dean, "...you're practically zombies." She giggles under her breath and Dean joins her, a laugh huffing out of his chest.

Mary and Sam's faces are unmoved and have gone drastically pale and she clears her throat awkwardly glancing at Jody, "Too soon?"

"Yeah," Jody nods, "About a thousand years too soon, I'm pretty sure." She smiles at Alex.

"Nah," Dean waves them off and falls to the couch, "I've died the most so if it doesn't offend me, then they're not allowed to be either."

Sam purses his lips at his brother but relaxes and gives Alex a tired smile. She just shrugs and goes back to her room and book. Claire appears with a towel and wash cloth throwing them in Dean's lap.

"Dean Winchester," Jody snaps, "Get your wet ass off my couch."

"Sorry," he mumbles and Claire laughs.

"Already made that mistake once or twice."

"Thanks for the tip," Dean says sarcastically.

"You take Jody's shower," Claire says after a laugh, leading the way towards the back of the house. Dean stops looking to Sam and his mom, "I'll..." he looks hesitant and troubled, his face clouded, "...be back," he finishes, and Sam scowls after him for his hasty retreat. _Well timed roll in the snow you bastard,_ Sam thinks to him.

He turns and gives his mom a smile and they sit down, Jody is standing in the kitchen door way in her apron, sleeves pushed up.

"Can I get you anything to drink Mary?" She asks, "Coffee maybe?"

"That would be amazing, thank you Jody." She answers smiling, not hostile as before, but definitely not her usual friendly self.

"I'll get it Jody," Sam says even as she's heading back to the kitchen. He grabs a cup and pours some black coffee into it, his mother takes her coffee like Dean, like a hunter. Jody has returned to chopping potatoes and gives Sam a good luck face as he walks back to the living room. He sighs deep before he comes back into Mary's line of sight and puts a smile on his face, knowing she can't be far from saying what's on her mind. She's like Dean in that too.

"So you boys been good?" She asks as she receives her cup of coffee, "Thanks." She wraps slender fingers around the hot cup and warms them there.

Sam nods, "Yeah, we missed Lucifer again, so that sucked. Took out a couple of fang but that's been about it, Dean and the Christmas spirit," he rolls his eyes, "Enough to drive anyone crazy."

Mary laughs.

"But how about you?" Sam asks, turning his body towards her and letting himself fall back into the couch, settling in for the long haul.

She shrugs, "Just the same, nothing much."

Sam smirks and borrows a page from his brother's book. "So you've been ghosting Lawrence? You're going to scare someone you know?"

Mary looks surprised at Sam's uncharacteristic outburst but doesn't say anything. "Time kind of got away from me and by the time I realized how close it was to Christmas and got to the bunker you were already gone."

"Yeah," Sam shrugs, "We were just hanging around doing nothing so Jody invited us."

"How long y'all been here?" She asks.

"Since yesterday about lunch time."

Mary laughs humorlessly, "My luck is amusingly bad."

"Why do you say that?" Sam asks, with a small smile on his face because, boy, does he know the feeling.

"I missed you boys only by a few hours." She shakes her head, obviously thinking of a different Christmas where they were at the bunker together.

Sam bristles in defense of both Jody and his brother. "Well, despite our Winchester bum luck me and Dean are lucky about one thing. We have Jody to come to or else we'd have done nothing for Christmas, except eat crappy Chinese left overs and annoy the hell out of each other." He chuckles to himself as Mary sits looking displeased.

"Well, I was coming." Mary says sounding exasperated.

"Well, we didn't know that did we?" A voice asks with a snort from across the room drawing Sam's attention and he grins with the sight of his brother standing there with a wet head. He's got on a nice pair of jeans and a dark green sweater on that brings out his eyes and freckles. He knows without looking Mary's eyes are bugging out of her head.

Dean looks cozy and so fracking normal even Sam's almost fooled for a moment. Dean pads over the floor to sit on the couches' arm rest beside Sam. He's got a cold smile on his lips but his eyes are sparkling showing Sam that he's not under any circumstances letting Mary ruin his Christmas.

 _Good for you Dean_ , he finds himself thinking.

"So nice of you to come, Mom. NOW we can be together as a family." Mary just looks at him, probably trying to dissect any hidden meaning in his words.

Sam cuts his eyes at him giving him a fond smile and a shake of his head, Dean is so impossible. Dean smirks too, but makes no further advances on their Mom.

"Mom's been telling me what she's been up to," he gives her a mischievous smile, "She's the official Lawrence ghost."

Dew laughs kindly at that. "Well, we've all been there."

Sam gives him a happy smile at that, apparently they weren't in all out war...yet.

Claire appears in the door way in clean jeans and a pull over smirking at the family of three, "So cozy." She says and Dean rolls his eyes.

"Family reunion of which you are not a part." He says drily.

She purses her lips and holds up her hands, "I'll let you get back to it then, ya'll look real loving."

She wanders away with her hands in her back pockets and Mary looking after her strangely.

Sam just shakes his head, "Don't worry about Claire, she's just...Claire." Dean chuckles with him at that descriptive explanation of Claire's personality.

Mary turns to Dean. "Family reunion? Might've wanted to make sure we were all here then," she ends drily.

Sam tenses like tight strung barbed wire and barely restrains himself from putting a hand on his brother to steady him. He can feel oceans of frustration and anger boiling beneath Dean's surface in under one second. Sam does turn away from Mary and more towards him, implied whispers of loyalty forever reassured between them.

He holds his breath waiting for Dean's reaction like a trip wire, for once totally unsure of what Dean might do. But also for the first time that's okay. He trusts Dean, he believes in him...he'll do what is good, what is right. He knows Mary is waiting too, knows she's pushed them both farther than she has before, she's surprised by Sam's silence, simply waiting for Dean to deal with this the way he wants.

"Got your phone with you?"

Dean's steady, nearly nonchalant voice asks of his mother.

"Yeah." she answers nearly struck dumb with surprise.

"Lemme see it." Dean says simply, motioning with his hand.

She digs it out of her pocket and places the black device in her oldest's palm. He smirks at her coldly as he takes it and sends Sam an uninterpretable look. He opens the phone and then leans his allows on his knees turning the phone towards Mary.

"You see mom, this little icon right here is your phone app, the little bubble on top of it that reads 34 is the number of missed calls and voice mails you have...all of which if you click on this app..." he does and begins to scroll down pages and pages of missed calls, "...All of which are from your loving son Dean."

He hands her the phone back and stands, a peaceful smile on his lips, the look in his eyes reassuring to Sam, but no doubt confusing to Mary.

"So mom, if you want to be included in our 'family reunions' or in our lives at all then you might want to answer the phone when we call, or...pick up your phone and call yourself." He turns around and leaves the room with that.

Mary sits astounded her mouth hanging a bit open, she would have never imagined Dean to be so straight forward with her...he was extremely well spoken when he needed to be. Just how much has her behavior influenced her boys? She watches Dean leave and the lines of his back are all ease and relaxed, even though she'd just about verbally attacked him and he'd shut her down with a few short sentences.

Sam is almost speechless himself but his heart is soaring with fond pride as Dean leaves the room to exhaust the more violent parts of his anger doing heaven knows what. But Sam is so impressed with his restraint, and he can't help but be glad of the words spoken to their mother...she was way out of line speaking to Dean like that after everything.

He says nothing to Mary when she looks to him for something...anything. He wants her to feel the weight and heat in Dean's wise words. He knows this is going to be hard on all of them, but in the end it was going to be for the best.

He loves the way Dean leaves the room looking relaxed and more comfortable in his skin than he had in weeks. His brother has said his piece, has made peace with himself, has put his foot down and said, "I did more than my part for this family, I tried to keep us together." Sam knows his brother has stood up not only for himself but also for what he believes, for what they believe. You don't turn your back on family, you don't use them only when you need them.

Even if you are only a ghost.

...

Dean stops to take deep and calming breaths in the kitchen. Jody says nothing just gives him a few minutes. Probably heard everything because she's looking somewhere in between amused and disturbed. Slowly the calm cool that adrenaline sends flowing through Dean's veins is replaced by liquid fire, anger at the unjust blame laid on him by MARY of all people, that he didn't try and get their family together.

He nearly can't believe she would really do such a thing. How self righteous can one person be? How could she waltz in here and blame him after everything he's done and everything she hasn't done. He doesn't notice his hand gripping so tightly around the edge of the counter that his knuckles are white until Jody places one of her smaller hands on top of it and eases some of the tension away.

She takes his hand in hers and grins up at him fondly, "Stop grinding your teeth." She says gently.

He pauses at that, knows he wasn't even aware he was doing it. His mind and body on automatic extreme control with all the anger and emotions swirling through him right now. He feels like a time bomb, like no one, not even himself knows what he may do or how he might react when the next thing happens.

He gives Jody a shaky smile and she lets his hand drop, filling a wine glass with some red wine and handing it to him, he begins to toss it back in one long drink but Jody stops him.

"You're supposed to enjoy it." She urges and he gets what she's saying... _don't let her ruin this. You came here for Christmas to have a good time, to forget about the way she hurt you. To heal things between you and Sam, to make something of your family even when part of it didn't want you...you were bigger than that._

 _You are bigger than this._

He takes a sip from the glass and saviors the bittersweet flavor on his tongue, swallows and feels it warm his nearly empty stomach. He looks down to the floor and smiles sadly, knowing Jody is watching, listening.

"She doesn't want us." He says matter of factly. "She doesn't want us, she hates who we are and everything we've fought for so hard...she wants her perfect Sam and Dean she had in heaven."

Jody is silent just being there for him. He runs fingers through his hair and walks over to the sink looking out the window. "A Sam and Dean who had families and real jobs and were able to turn a blind eye to dying, hurting people..."

He turns around his eyes so deep and shining with hurt, "Everything...everything that has happened to us has been because of her, has been done in her name. We fought the fight to avenge her, we fought the fight to save Sam and then the whole freaking world over, and over and over again...

"And now that she's here," he shakes his head and shrugs his shoulders. "She doesn't even want us."

And Jody is silent because wow, Dean's got a point and a true and strong one and part of her can't even process the amount of pain and betrayal in Dean's eyes. The one thing that has kept him going, that he has idolized as his pure, white light, it has fallen. He's realized now he's been more, been better than her, has lived life a thousand times braver and stronger than she has ever dreamed.

The reality is crashing into Dean like an avalanche sweeping him away and completely burying him. His eyes are wide and glassy, he's lost in his own head. "We've lived a hard life as hunters and she hates that so much she's punishing us for it."

He looks up finding Sam and Mary standing in the doorway behind Jody, and she turns to look at them too, mainly Mary. The same hurt, wet look in Sam's eyes, the same angry, hurt, disbelieving waves coming off him.

Dean lands aching, burning eyes on Mary that reflect an even more hurting heart. Her mouth is open, struck with the agony, but hardness in her son's face. Knows something is changing within him, something she has broken and he's putting back together.

His green eyes snap with energy and strength though his voice doesn't rise or waver as he looks her dead in the eye and asks disdainfully,

"How do you hate something so much that you hate your own family too?"

And silence hangs in the air as Mary nether denies or defends herself. Dean picks himself up from leaning against the counter and leaves the room not making any noise in his socked feet. Sam forgets about the other people in the room and is behind him like a shadow, they both disappear.

Mary and Jody are left staring at each other.

Mary's eyes are confused but still angry. She cocks her head to one side and takes another step towards Jody. "How did you get here?" She asks slowly, "How did you earn their trust, why do they love you so much?

Jody smirks bitterly before turning back to her cooking, disbelief boiling in her veins at this fellow mother, "I try not to judge them for saving the world."

...tbc

Okaaaaaaaay...finally the boys and their mom have it out in the open. Let's see how they fix this...if they do.

Review?! ;)


	9. Part 9

Part 9.

Sam follows Dean into the bedroom they are sharing. His brother sinks to the mattress, elbows on his knees and fingers rubbing his temples roughly. Sam shuts the door behind him softly and leans against it. His eyes on Dean taking in his nervous posture, the look in his eyes that Sam knows reflects him questioning himself.

Knows Dean is thinking back now, regretting his blunt words, and trembling thinking of what the results maybe. Mary might be treating them like shit but that has never stopped Dean from caring before. And Sam knows that now Dean is crying desperately inside, _please don't let me lose her just because I stand by the truth._

Dean lifts his eyes fleetingly to Sam's face and gives a self-depreciating laugh.

"Maybe coming wasn't such a bright idea after all." He says. And Sam feels his heart break a little. He sits beside his brother and lets his elbows rest on his knees too, mirroring Dean.

"Don't say that," he urges softly. "Listen Dean, you went against me and went on without mom...and you fixed us, fixed me, showed me a better way. Don't ever regret that, please, don't ever doubt that because that's what you showed me."

Dean gives him a sad, appreciative smile.

His beautiful strong brother, dragged him all the way up to South Dakota just to convince him to believe in them. And here he was, Mary making him doubt himself, the only thing Dean ever doubted. Sam fists his hands tightly, thinking of Mary's sharp words and Dean's witty, steady reply and god, when did his brother get so mature? When had Dean become twice the man he was? Because Sam had been more than ready to tear her head off himself just for Dean's sake.

But there it was again. That was Dean's perfect, selfless love. A love that sacrificed everything...even self-worth and self preservation. If Dean feeling crappy about himself would make Mary feel better then he would do it. And that's what Sam was there for. To stop that, to remind Dean sometimes loving someone is hurting them, showing them that they are hurting you.

And bottom line that was what Dean had done there in the kitchen, only Sam knows he'd done for him, and not for himself. Which was okay, because Dean never did anything for himself. But Dean had drawn a line of 'enough'. Had firmly let their mom know, we are done feeling guilty about who we are because you hate it.

And Sam had stood there and finally understood, finally understood his brother and why this Christmas had been so hard. Why his brother had been so torn and ragged, and broken.

John lived, and, had taught Dean to live for hunting. Dean had learned to live for Sam, and they both learned to live to make this world a better place. Then their mom came along and when he told her they made the world a better place she looked down and away, couldn't even meet his eyes. Mary lived to hate hunting, lived to get out...and she couldn't.

And what Sam realized in the kitchen was that all this had torn Dean apart when Sam had doubted the only thing keeping him doing the one thing Mary couldn't tolerate about him. Because hunting was the one thing she'd been trying to get away from her whole life.

And Sam and Dean were the ball and chain to her and the hunting life. If she accepted them then she would be accepting a hunter's life and fate once again and she knew there would be now turning back after that.

Sam is in awe of the person that is Dean. The brave, strong, moral man that hides behind Dean's rather course exterior. Sometimes Sam doesn't know how he keeps going, but he always is in awe of Dean's resilient thirst for life and for the good fight.

Sam watches Dean, watches the emotions fly over his face and slowly disappear as he covers them and files them away to a place inside where they won't be a weakness. He smiles sadly to Sam when he meets his eyes and for once he doesn't get rebuked for staring. Dean was too lost in his own head to notice.

"Everything has to be a giant shit storm for us doesn't it?" He asks, with a little laugh.

Sam nods his head, "Yes it does, but we wouldn't be us without that charming characteristic, would we?"

"No one thinks we're charming except for us Sammy boy." He says with a smirk, but looks down somberly betraying his attempt at lightheartedness. And Sam looks at him compassionately knows his feelings perfectly because they're there in his heart too...feels like somehow he's let his mom down but knows deep down they did what was right, they stood for each other.

"Well, she'll just have to accept us as we are, like it or lump it." He says, his turn to attempt at humor.

"I don't want to lose her again Sammy," his brother whispers with haunted eyes fixed somewhere out the window. And for one second Sam glimpses the insanity his brother is always teetering on the edge of, because generally he can't see it, he's trembling like a leaf on that same edge too.

"We won't." He says softly, knocking Dean and his shoulders together, pressure assuring and warm, Sam is alive and right there with him and not going anywhere... "We won't."

And Sam believes it. Dean can hear it in his voice and he turns towards his little brother in half surprise, half heart break because what kind of new agonizing disappointment are they headed towards with that kind of hopeful out look?

Dean gives him a fond smile and gives a little laugh which Sam returns. Is familiar with the feeling of disbelief at how sucky one person's (generally his own) could be. And the only way to deal was to laugh and shrug your shoulders and keep going.

Sam has seen Dean whipped before and this wasn't one of those times. But his brother was so tired of it all with Mary. It seemed so useless with her. They just kept going around and around in circles, and every time Mary came out farther away and Dean and Sam more hurt, more wary of her.

They didn't want that. They wanted a relationship and a life with her, but they wouldn't give up the one they already built...they welcomed her gladly into everything they had sweated and bled to build but no...they wouldn't ever change it.

Dean laughs wetly, "And here I always thought you got your stubborn streak from dad."

Sam elbows him, "Shut up, you're totally the more stubborn one."

"More badass yes, stubborn...that trophy's all yours Sam." Dean reasons lightly, finally effectively lightening the mood. And they both breathe better, the easiness between them soothing both their stressing, aching hearts.

"You ready to go back out there?" Sam asks, with an understanding but teasing smile on his face.

Dean just huffs an airy laugh and scratches the back of his head sighing, "We need a hunt."

Sam blinks and his brother looks at him expectantly like Sam could just conjure a case out of thin air. He smiles uneasily at first, is Dean calling a retreat? "We still have to..."

"Look into it will ya?" Dean asks, definitely not sounding too urgent.

"Yeah, yeah sure," Sam responds smiling, "I'll find us one."

"Awesome," Dean exclaims, "Until then we have a Christmas to finish up."

...

Claire is standing inside Alex's mostly closed door waiting for Sam and Dean to pass by.

"Psst!" She hisses at them both, and smirks when both their heads turn simultaneously. "C'mere." She motions urgently and opens the door wider to accommodate the men. They slip in and for once Alex and Claire are relieved to have hunters in the house, their stealth is incomparable.

"What is it?" Sam asks quizzically, looking around worriedly.

"Shh," Alex says harshly. On her bed they have wrapping paper, scissors and tape spread out and small box.

"Ooh," Dean says reaching for it, "Watcha got?"

Claire knocks his hand away easily, "Hands off Winchester. We didn't call you in here for that."

Sam rolls his eyes at Dean's wounded look, "What do you need then?" He asks.

Alex flops down on an unoccupied section of her mattress, "We can't wrap gifts." She says bluntly, "Neither of us can figure it out."

Claire stands looking at the boys expectantly for a few seconds and then she sighs rolling her eyes.

"We don't know how to wrap gifts either." Sam says in a obvious, but hushed voice.

"You're a fully grown man and you can't wrap presents?" Claire asks with an exasperated huff and disbelieving eye roll. "Shoulda known, you guys are lame af."

Dean huffs a breath and goes to his knees beside the bed, "All of you are lame af." He says flatly. They all look on amazed as he wraps the gift in a few moments, paper smooth, folded perfectly. He holds it up, satisfied.

"Now you just need a ribbon or a bow or something," he says handing the little present to Alex who takes it almost reverently looking at Dean with wide eyes.

Claire laughs and claps her hands together, "Never underestimate a Winchester," she crows with delight and gives Dean a fist bump of her coercion.

Sam shakes his head with a fond smile on his lips, never underestimate a Winchester indeed, Dean Winchester especially.

There's a sudden knock on the door and then it's opening. Alex hides the gift behind her back and Sam, Dean and Claire stand in front of the bed in a line to hide the damning evidence of the wrapping paper. Jody stands in the open door taking in all of their extremely innocent expressions suspiciously.

"Okaay," she says with an amused look on her face. "C'mon kids, no playing in the bedrooms."

She backs away from the door and then back down the hall and they all file out after her, Alex lastly, shutting the door behind her. They exchange silent exuberant looks of triumph and _yeah_ , Sam thinks, _this is definitely what Christmas feels like._

"Alright!" Jody calls, "I'm ready for some help getting this Christmas dinner on the table." They shuffle down the hall, Claire and Dean shoving each other into the walls and backing up to knock the others down. Alex and Sam object to the horsing around when they run into both Dean and Claire's butts as they walk backwards into them, but they join in none the less. They arrive in the kitchen breathless and red in the face and Jody has to stop and appreciate the moment...her family.

Mary standing in the living room doorway feels sick because for this one moment, they are the Sam and Dean from heaven...her Sam and Dean.

...

The food is divine as Dean says and he and Sam consume an alarming amount of food in Alex and Claire's opinion who keep pressing them with more and more. They wanted to see just how much home cooked food they could eat at one siting and frankly, it was alarming.

Dean's talking away to Sam on his left when Jody fixes a glare at him pointing to his right. He turns around to find Claire tossing back the last of his red wine.

"Stop undermining my authority, Dean." She demands, and Dean scowls at Claire and jerks the glass for her.

"Wasn't my fault Jody, she stole it." He half whines.

She bursts out laughing, "I know Dean," then fixes a reproachful stare on Claire, "She's always doing that."

Claire shrugs and picks up her cup of sweet tea innocently and Sam holds up the wine bottle and Dean passes him his empty cup. Dean leaves his wine glass on the opposite side of his plate.

Mary is quiet mostly, watching the scene unfold before her...this sort of patchwork family was all knew to her.

They leave the dishes for later and all go to the living room to let their food settle. Dean and Sam groaning as they fall to the couch side by side. They give each other lazy, contented smiles...nonverbally saying, 'best effing Christmas ever.'

Alex and Claire come in bearing cups of coffee and Jody sits up clapping her hands together, "Time to open gifts!"

Claire whoops and falls to her knees beside the tree. There's not a lot of gifts under their tree but Jody has done pretty well for herself she thinks as Alex is practically in tears over her brand new set of The Lord Of The Rings and Claire is running awed fingers over the dark brown leather covered journal Jody had got her...everyone in the room knows its a hunter's journal but none says a word.

The next gift strongly contradicts it though, a cooking book and hand mittens which make Alex, Claire and Jody burst into giggles at some inside joke.

They both model the new coats she'd hand picked for them, a black leather bomber jacket for Claire and a soft baby pink peacoat for Alex that set off her dark hair and eyes perfectly. Jody finds herself with arms full of her girls and her heart full to the overflowing.

She'd lost so much, but look at all she has gained. She thinks about her son, her husband...Bobby. They would be proud of her, she made a family for herself...she honored them by reaching out to people who needed a family as much as she did and the reward was a thousand fold more than she expected.

All the presents are gone from under the tree and Dean stretches out like a cat, "Dessert time?" He asks, looking to Jody who is looking pretty sleepy.

"Hold your horses." Claire commands. "One last gift."

Alex drops her precious books and sprints off to her room. Returns panting with the small box Dean had wrapped. Jody looks at it surprised as Alex holds it out to her. She takes it gingerly, staring at it in disbelief.

"It's from both of us," Claire says, and the girls come to stand on either side of her chair. "But Dean had to wrap it because we were hopeless."

Jody looks at Dean in surprise who just shrugs as Sam laughs at him. "I'll remember that," she chuckles.

"Open it!" Claire and Alex urge her at the same time.

"Okay, okay." Jody concedes and begins to rip the paper from the little package. She looks at the plain white box in surprise. "You guys totally blindsided me, I have no idea what this is." She says and Claire laughs.

"That's the whole point of a gift Jody."

Jody laughs too and finally takes off the lid. There, lying on some soft, white cotton is a silver chain with a pendant. The pendant is silver too, in the middle laying Jody's birthstone, at the top and bottom lying Claire and Alex's birthstones. She feels tears jumps to her eyes, because she remembers having this talk about birthstones and how much they meant to her.

She'd told Alex and Claire every birthstone and they'd bee enraptured by it never having heard f it before, they had obviously never forgotten.

She feels the smooth underside of the pendant and flips it over breath catching at the inscription;

To Jody; You're better than a thousand moms to us.

She stares at it for a few silent moments and then her wide tear filled eyes jump up to first meet Claire's and then Alex's eyes. Claire sits on the armrest of the chair and throws her arm around Jody's shoulders, "Thank you for everything you've done for us," she mumbles against her ear and Jody lets the tears fall from her eyes...she's not ashamed.

Alex takes the necklace and puts it on and Jody lets her, feeling extremely pampered under the hands of her two adopted daughters. They both give her huge smiles as they look at it on her, it's perfect. Not too big, not too small the colors complimenting each other perfectly.

"It's looks as beautiful on you as I knew it would," Alex gushes throwing arms around Jody's neck and hugging her, leaving a kiss on her cheek.

"Thank you so much," Jody mumbles through her tears and tightly squeezes Claire and Alex's hands, and they all fold into a three person hug.

And Dean and Sam smile at each other, because this right here, seeing Jody loved like this was well worth all the pain. Moments like this was why they didn't give up hunting. Jody was alive thanks to them. Claire and Alex was alive thanks to them. And while their own mom may not love them like Jody does they still have each other...something nobody can take away.

Just like this moment, this memory...this trophy. Because moments like this? That's what they are, they are Dean and Sam's trophies...they are what they work, sweat and bleed for. They make it all worth it. And every time Dean makes a memory with Sam, with his mom, with Jody, or the girls his belief becomes stronger, his doubt weaker...these moments shining bright in his dark world remind him to have faith...it's always worth it.

...

Maybe nobody but Claire noticed Mary slip out the front door as the joyful scene unfolded, but she did. And she felt the hurting expression on Mary's face was well in order. She leaves Jody sitting in between the Winchester brothers both of them looking at her necklace and giving the two girl proud looks at the inscription.

And where a few months ago she would have been offended by being looked at like that, she just revels in it. She might get a lot wrong, Alex might get a lot wrong but at least they got it right when it came to Jody. And wasn't that the Winchester's own track record? They messed up a lot, but when it came to each other they generally got their shit together.

She had finally realized what they already had, family don't end in blood, and you don't turn your back on your family. They were her family too now, and if that wasn't a terrifying and exhilarating realization she didn't know what was. It virtually made her a dead woman, but god, had she ever felt this alive?

She closes the front door behind her and Mary looks at her over her shoulder where she's sitting on the front step. She gives Claire a small smile and then turns back around again. Claire pulls her new leather jacket tighter around her against the cold and sits down beside Mary. They sit in companionable silence for a minute or two.

"I get way it's so hard for you, you know?" Claire breaks the silence, softly.

"Oh really?" Mary asks with an arched eyebrow and Claire nearly laughs with it. God, Dean and the woman are practically the same person.

She nods, "Yeah. When I met your sons I had lost everything. Both parents, everything I knew was torn from me and I was just left adrift in this huge world I didn't know anything except that I was alone and the people who were supposed to be there for me had abandoned me." She stops and looks to Mary, smiles when she sees she's got her attention.

"Then I met Dean, and god I hated his guts so much. You know why?"

Mary shakes her head.

Claire leans her elbows on her knees, and props her chin up in her hands. "He was just like me, he'd lost everything...he was going through hell, the chips were always down for him. And yet he'd risen above it all, he had made a life for himself, a family for himself despite all that. Cas and Sam couldn't, wouldn't live without him, they would never leave him and visa versa.

"And I hated him because I was ashamed...ashamed that I was so weak. Where I felt sorry for myself and was letting my life slip by Dean had built something...built something so huge, so big I couldn't even fathom it...all these people who had once been completely alone he brought them together into one big family. And Mary, while Dean's got a whole lot of remarkable talents I'd say that was his most amazing."

She sighs, "Dean gave me Jody and Alex, he gave me big brothers, himself and Sam...and I will never be able to repay him for that."

She places a hand on Mary's that is lying on her knee, "I know you're scared, but this is you're chance to build something bigger and better than you. I know they can be intimidating, but don't be ashamed that you have nothing and that you've lost everything, that you're adrift in this world and you don't have any meaning...

"You've lost everything, you're rock bottom. But that's the beauty of what Dean is trying to give you...where you have nothing you can have so much more than you ever dreamed."

Mary looks at Claire, blue eyes shining with tears. "Jody. She's better than a thousand moms to you."

"Exactly," Claire smiles sunnily, passionate about what she's talking of, "Because I should have never had her, should have never had that second chance but I do because she wanted to build something with me and Alex...a family. And your sons are a part of it, they are the ones who taught us that family don't end in blood. They already have a family, Mary, one they built with tears and blood. They aren't trying to make you part of it for themselves...but for you because that's what they do for everybody. Because they're just that good, that selfless. They want everyone to have what they have." Claire gets up and moves to go back inside, she pauses at the door though.

"Don't throw that away." She urges softly over her shoulder.

...tbc

I made myself cry again! :'( I love this story so much!

REVIEW?! ;);)

(only one or two chapters left)


	10. Part 10

Part 10.

Dean and Sam are laid out over the couch, practically in each other's laps just this side of snoozing. The sun is sinking slowly towards the horizon and evening is approaching. Dean nudges Sam with the knee his little brother is currently laying on jostling him out of his nice, warm haze.

"Whassit?" Sam asks lazily, pushing back with his shoulder weakly.

"Didja' find one?" Dean asks, in a hushed voice.

Sam nods softly. "Yeah, Michigan."

"Nice and close." Dean hums.

Sam nods, "Think it's a poltergeist, but we can cover that on the way."

"Awesome," Dean yawns shifting, causing Sam to resettle as well. "We should go soon."

Sam hums not moving, "Aren't you supposed to have an after dinner nap?"

"Christmas is different from Sundays, Sammy." Dean mumbles, "Sunday afternoon naps are a necessity, Christmas is all presents, hot chocolate and sugar highs."

Sam chuckles, shaking his body and therefore jostling Dean who whines in complaint. Jody pads into the room in her socks, and folds herself into the recliner, covering up with a blanket warmly.

"We're gonna be heading out here soon, Jody." Sam mumbles.

"Mhm," Dean agrees.

"Yeah, ya'll look like it." She chuckles taking in their cuddling position.

Dean nudges Sam again, "Stop cuddling me." He demands half heartedly.

"You stop cuddling me," Sam returns without missing a beat, neither of them budging an inch.

"Where you boys running off to in such a hurry?" Jody asks. Somewhere along the way, Sam's not sure when, but somehow Jody had gotten to know them too well. Dean just gives her an annoyed look and Sam thinks they've probably already talked about Jody's uncanny ability to guess what's going on with Sam and Dean.

"Michigan," Dean mumbles, still not moving from his comfortable position, curling cold toes into the small of Sam's back who jabs him with his elbow. "Poltergeist, we think."

"Work off steam, work out these last two days?" Jody asks with an arched smile.

Dean rolls his eyes exasperatedly, "Yeah exactly." He says flatly.

Jody gives him a sunny smile in return, "Y'all boys want some left overs?"

Sam perks up at that, "Yes please." He says giving his best and sweetest dimpled smile.

"Okay okay," Jody says rolling her eyes, "No need to turn on the charm Winchester." She heaves herself back up and disappears into the kitchen. Dean finally sits up and uses his foot to try and push Sam's mass upwards too.

"C'mon Sasquatch," he grumbles, and slips out from under his younger brother and stands. Sam is still limp and just falls right back to the couch. Dean growls under his breath and takes Sam's hand, wrapping his other hand around him forearm. He gives a great pull and dumps Sam in the floor.

"Ow!" Sam says, eyes flying open in surprise.

"Told you to c'mon." Dean says grinning.

Sam sulks, "Gonna have to drag me."

"That's just fine with me," Dean says with mischievous smile. He grabs Sam's other hand and throws his body weight into his effort. He's slowly pulling Sam up the hallway nearly breathless in laughter rumbling up from his chest when Alex and Claire put their heads out their door to see what the commotion was about.

"Alex, Claire!" Dean says sounding innocent enough as he watches Sam's face carefully. "Tickle him!" He yells preparing to have to restrain Sam's brute strength.

Claire and Alex are on Sam in a second, fingers digging into all the ticklish parts of his body and soon Sam's a gasping, laughing mess on the floor with tears running from his eyes. He tries to twist over so he can stand and run to make his escape but Dean is holding his arms captive above his head.

"Dean," he gasps out, "Call 'em off," he pleads, and the breaks off into high pitched giggles, "C'mon Dean."

"Think he's learned his lesson girls?" Dean asks, giving Sam a studious look.

"No, definitely not," Claire says with an evil grin.

Sam groans. Dean just smiles, "Help me pull him in here girls, he said I had to drag him."

"You lazy bastard." Claire says laughing as she gives a final tickle to Sam's extremely sensitive sides. He twists away from her laughing and she and Alex each grab a hold of one of Sam's arms and drag him the rest of the way into the bedroom.

"My revenge shall be more than you can survive," Sam spits out once he catches his breath and stops laughing.

"Yeah, yeah okay Inigo Montoya." Dean mocks as he begins gathering pieces of clothing he'd somehow discarded over the entire room over the forty–eight hours they'd been there.

"Y'all dicks," Sam splutters with an unusual lack of words as he picks himself up from the floor and brushes off his clothes giving Dean a hard look.

"Sammy," Dean tuts, "That ain't no way to speak to ladies."

Sam just rolls his eyes and starts throwing his belongings back into his duffle.

"You guys heading out?" Alex asks, her and Claire taking a seat on the bed to watch the boys extremely relaxed packing process. She understands now why sometimes they come around looking like a wrinkled nightmare. If you stuff your clothes unfolded into a duffle bag they're going to be a wrinkled mess.

"Yeah," Dean says zipping his duffle up quickly and gathering his wallet and keys off the top of the dresser. "Job in Michigan."

Claire smirks. "Well, don't wait so long to come see us next time."

"We were here a few months ago, came to see y'all, but you weren't here." Sam says, being slightly neater in his packing.

"Yeah Jody told us, so I guess you did try." Claire concedes and Dean grins pulling her close in a hug and leaving a kiss under her eye on her cheekbone.

"Never change Claire," he says, winking and walking out the door.

Sam alternately wraps his arms around Alex and Claire, "Thanks for having us girls and sharing your rooms and you know...brutally torturing me just now."

"You're welcome." They answer sunnily, he waves them off and throws his duffle to the floor in the living room to join Dean and Jody but stops catching sight of Mary looking at the two duffle bags by the door. He can hear Dean talking to Jody in the kitchen, the low timbre of his voice carrying to his ear how he was programmed to always hear it. Knows he hadn't seen their mom just now, but knows Mary had been watching him.

"You guys leaving?" She asks, looking surprised.

"Yeah, gig in Michigan." Dean says, standing in the doorway. Mary nods, her hands in the pockets of her coat.

"Alrighty, here y'all go." Jody says coming into the room with two containers and a plastic bag filled with stuffing.

"Awesome," Sam says smiling and not minding the food between them he hugs Jody hard. "Thank your so much," he mumbles and takes the food from her. And she knows he doesn't mean just for the food.

"You're more than welcome Sam." She responds, hugging him back just as tightly. He doesn't look back, grabs his duffle and disappears out the front door.

Dean wraps Jody up in a hug and leaves a dusted kiss on her cheekbone too, "Don't know what I would've done without you." He whispers into her ear.

She smiles and places a kiss on his cheek too, "You would've done just fine Dean Winchester," she hugs him back tightly and squeezes her eyes shut, "But I'm glad I got to be a part of it anyways."

He gives her a happy grin but she can see the grateful wetness in his eyes.

"Come back soon," she says following him out the door and she sees Mary is already out and waiting to speak with her son's privately. She waves to them both one last time from the front stoop. They smile and wave too and Jody shuts her front door certain of one thing, those boys would be okay with or without her. But she's glad as hell they do have her, that she has them.

...

Dean throws his duffle in the back seat and turns back to where Sam is standing beside him and their mom stands across from them. He can see the hurt and confusion rushing over her face in waves, knows no matter how hard this Christmas had been for he and Sam it hadn't been as hard as his mom's had been.

He gives her a soft smile, "We do actually have a present for you," he says simply, and pulls a small wooden box from his pocket and hands it her. She slowly takes it in her hand knowing exactly what it is before she opens it. Feels tears stinging in her eyes. Her mouth hangs a little open, doesn't know what to say because god, how could two people be as good as her sons?

"Don't say anything," Dean urges softly. "Just remember...even if we're not there you still have a home. Come back to it, mom."

Mary looks down at her gift. A thick brown key...a key to the bunker. She can't speak past the lump in her throat, is so terrified of this edge she's standing on. She's going to fall off the fence she's riding between hunting and normality. And once she chooses one there is no going back.

Part of her wants to jump into the impala and never leave her boys again, to strive to be somewhere close to as good as they are someday. But the other part of her is aching, alone, is screaming that she doesn't belong and god help her, but she's still mourning John. She's just not sure if she can let go of all that...how can she let go of her happy home, her John, and her Sam and Dean who had by this time already supplied her with grandchildren?

She's frozen and alone and miserable in this cruel world, this reality. Damn the angels for letting her believe it was real. In heaven she was the perfect mom, here she was a mess, her sons didn't need her, they were better than her and at the same time...they were people she had prayed they would never grow up to be.

Dean gives her a sympathetic smile at her 'deer in the headlights' look and folds himself into the impala cranking her up and turning the heater on high, he smiles back to her as she looks at him over Sam's shoulder where he's giving her a hug.

He waits as Sam rounds the impala and gets in beside him, getting situated. They drive away from the best Christmas they ever had, both looking back in the rear view mirror a few times. They leave the gold haired woman that is their mother standing alone...for once they leave her, leave her at her crossroads.

They're done letting her decisions dictate their lives and the way they feel. Mary must come to them, and must become a part of their lives not the other way around. And it's a huge risk because if she decides she doesn't want her second chance the boys will have lost their second chance with their mom as well.

They've made their peace with that, they are prepared to sacrifice that for their belief that their job, their life purpose is saving people and hunting things.

"Do you think she'll be there when we get back?" Sam asks softly, not even looking at Dean, the hope so fragile between them that they ignore it for fear it will shatter and disappear into thin air.

Dean keeps his gaze straight ahead too, "I don't know Sammy, I honestly don't know."

...

 _Four days later; New Years Eve, 2016_

Sam is down in the grave digging it out, sweating even in the frigid winter weather. The hunt had proved to be a poltergeist and it had been throwing the boys around for the last four days with annoying ease. They were preparing to finally end the whole thing right now.

Dean stands above him with a shotgun and iron crowbar, his sharp profile cut against the twinkling stars. The cold air so clear it looked as if you could reach and touch them and their white fire. Dean is humming something under his breath, not Christmas, and somewhere far off a dog barks and an owl answers. It's peaceful.

Sam jumps out of the freshly dug grave and casts salt and light fluid into it. Dean lets a salt round into the suddenly appearing poltergeist with a _boom_ just as Sam lets fall a flaming match into the dark hole. Their nemesis goes up flames and a shriek of defeat before everything falls silent and still again.

Dean fills in the grave while Sam gathers up their tools. They're both comfortably sore and tired, a job well done setting their veins aglow with happiness and contentedness. They wander slowly back to the impala and throw shovels and shotguns into the trunk rubbing and clapping their hands together to warm them up.

Their breath clouds in front of them in the cold and Sam welcomes the sound of Dean cracking open a beer. He accepts it happily drinking down half of it right away, watching as Dean opens his and slowly sips it, savoring the taste and coolness of it on his tongue.

They lean against baby, both unconsciously tipping back their heads as they drink taking in the beauty and mystery of the stars and their galaxies. Dean slowly looks at his watch, finds it just a few minutes before midnight and the new year. He looks back to the night sky and thinks that this next year their future is much like the stars and the galaxies. Beautiful and a mystery.

Both exhilaration and fear coat his insides thinking of it. He and Sam side by side against the world for yet another year. What they may face is intimidating, but the endless possibilities of the good things they will certainly experience as they grow closer and closer together fill Dean's mind and heart achingly full.

He looks over to his little brother, the star light shining and sparkling in his eyes, his familiar, loved features softened in the dark shadows of night. He looks down to his watch to find it midnight exactly.

"Happy New Years, Sammy." He says softly.

"Happy New Years, Dean."

the end.

OMG THE END! I'm so happy but sad too. Loved this story so much!

THIS IS THE LAST CHAPTER please please please LEAVE ME A REVIEW! to all those readers out there who don't usually review...if u like this story leave me a review on the last chapter! Love y'all:):)

 **and let me know what your favorite chapter is. Mine's either 1 or 6, I can't decide.**

(((((((((((To all my readers and reviewers THANK YOU SO MUCH, IT MEANS THE WORLD TO ME. But I have to make a special mention of all the readers who consistently give me reviews and let me know their thoughts. Thank you so much! You have no idea how much the support and loyalty touches my heart.

A guest named 'Kathy' was my most faithful reviewer this story, thank you so muchhhh! You don't know how much it means to me. Special mention for; WaitingforAslan, ngregory763, lenial125, WRATH77, 332249, SpnKs15 and Dearhart...thank you so much guys for your support and kind words, you made this holiday season that much more meaningful for me! )))))))))))

See y'all soon;);)

(Something for 12.08 coming soon, I promise)


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